Mrs. Maker's Very Interesting Life

The Big Purge

2012-01-01T16:27:00.001-06:00

A new year means a fresh start, right?

This year I really need to get back to brass tacks. I've gotten myself in a rut. Not that it's a bad rut, it's just that I have deviated from 'the plan' a little. I have wanted to have my own farm for as long as I can remember. But with the business of living sucking up my time and energy I haven't had the chance to dream like I used to. I have tried getting back into the kind of financial position I need to be in to buy the farm and so far I don't feel like I'm making much progress. But really with taxes and Christmas right on the heels of one another, I probably shouldn't be expecting to be further ahead than I am. And I like what I do for a living, so I feel absolutely blessed to be able to get paid to do something I love.

So not feeling like I need to find my calling has kind of extinguished the fire under my butt to move away. The same goes for the little Makers; they're all happy with their little lives too. BedHead has started back to public school in a different town and is loving it. It is such a good fit for her and she is coming out of her shell. She even applied for a job at a restaurant that is opening up here in the spring.

I just feel like I can't be totally complacent though. I miss having the chickens. There is only so much I can do from inside the town limits. So this has lead me to do some soul searching. I still want the farm, and so I asked myself. What can I do to prepare for that next step? Right now it isn't attainable, but preparing for that move totally is. So for the time being I'm going to enjoy the ride this life is taking me on, all the while saving and simplifying for the future.

So that gets me to my plan for this new year. Don't you dare call it a resolution! My plan is to declutter and get rid of as much unnecessary stuff as possible. I hate moving; so the less I end up having to take with me the better. I also want to get this house ready to be able to sell. So every week I am going to try to get rid of, fix, paint, organize, or clean something. I already did this week's project. I cleaned out the 3 youngest kids' drawers. I did the hand-me-down shuffle and packed away the rest of their summer wardrobes. I ended up with a box of boy's clothes for a cousin and half a garbage bag for the thrift shop. That's 13 pounds purged y'all!

Keeping Up With The Times

2011-12-29T21:31:00.001-06:00

I tend to rebel against the status quo. I don't want to be 'like everyone else'. That being said, I have had to evaluate how I manage my time and priorities, and I have decided to upgrade. I am blogging right now from my very own iPhone.

For me the decision was an easy one. My computer has been on the fritz for months and has been away being fixed for a couple of weeks now. Plus I really needed to get back to taking pictures of these fast growing monsters of mine. Having the ability to do everything from one little gadget should make blogging, facebooking, and picture taking faster. Hey I may even post pictures again! Yay!

And MedScape is a really cool app for med nerds like moi.

The EMS Newbie gets Schooled

2011-12-19T09:22:00.003-06:00

In only the first 3 months of my new job, I have learned a myriad of new things; the kind of knowledge you don't find in a classroom. Everyday there is something new and exciting to learn and discover. I feel so very blessed everyday to do what I do. A lot of what I learn (or relearn) is applicable to life out of the uniform. So here is a random sampling of some observations, keeping in mind, this is just my take on things.

1. Don't put it off. Procrastination doesn't get you anywhere except with shampoo in your hair while the pager goes off. No, this hasn't happened but it's my biggest fear. It's why I get up early and get ready before my call starts. The moral of this story is do it now. If you have to pee, go. If you want to sweep, sweep now. You might not get the chance later.

2. If you feel like you need help, call. You are never "putting us out". It is our job, and we don't make enough money or have enough perks to be in it for a paycheck. We do it because we care about your well being.

3. Respect your elders. Never underestimate the wealth of knowledge age brings. Being new and keen is all fine and good, but listen to the guy who has been doing it for 10, 20, 30 years. He has been in situations your kids with the super crazy imaginations couldn't even dream up. Even outside of the job. There are forgotten skills to be learned from these folks.

4. Section. Township. Range. Perplexing to the town kid, but totally important.

5. Don't smoke. I know, I know; easy for the nonsmoker to say. I can't even imagine the grasp this addiction has on people. But if you could see what I have seen. Just trust me on this one, k.

6. Tell your family your wishes. This is especially important if you have a chronic health condition. As a health provider, I want to do right by you, the patient. It is also not the kind of decision making your family should have to do in a health crisis. Health care directives and living wills aren't any one's idea of a fun time, but are necessary when facing serious illness. Plus if you have an E.R.I.K. kit, you will be one of my favourite patients. Guaranteed.

7. Wear your seat belt. Every. Time.

8. Do what brings you joy. It took me years to figure out what I wanted to do as a job outside my house. Liking what you do for work makes it not feel much like 'work' at all.

9. Nurses are the most under appreciated people on the planet. Worth their weight in gold, they are.

10. Empathize. When you can do no more for someone, you can just be there, feeling their pain the way you would feel it if that was your grandmother or mother or auntie or friend. Because you know what? To someone, she is.

A Happy Life

2011-09-30T10:19:00.002-05:00

I honestly feel like God himself has smiled upon my life. The kids are great! The new job is amazing. I really couldn't ask for more. (Well except to be 30lbs lighter, maybe.)

BedHead has been doing her schoolwork with minimal nagging. And today the Tiny Maniac lingered at the truck when I dropped her off at school, smiling her little toothless smile and telling me she loved me and she'd see me at lunchtime. Those are the things I tell her every morning. I guess she has been listening. It melted my heart. HannaBanana's teenage moods are easing and PoopyPants put out the garbage this morning without complaint. Peeper is as always my little shadow. I have been absolutely blessed to have these children.

I was on call for my new job this week. Each day got a little more comfortable. I didn't want to go anywhere in my uniform and was a nervous wreck about the pager going off the first day. After that I thought this is crazy, I have to get stuff done and went about my regular routine. Every subsequent day I felt a little more comfortable in my new skin and today, my day off, I felt naked without my watch. That is new...I've never worn a watch before in my life until I needed one for work. My co workers are awesome. They are so willing to teach and the truth of it is that there is so much to be learned as real life experience. Yes, I passed the same course of schooling that everyone else did, but I am green. So I really appreciate all they have to share with me.

I wish I had pictures from this weekend to share. We spent the night at our camper and had what may be the last campfire of the summer. *little tear* Then we spent the day at a nearby pumpkin patch and corn maze. I forgot my camera but Bedhead remembered hers so as soon as she uploads them I will post them.

Today is Amish Cinnamon Bread baking day. You know the starter that never dies because after a while of passing it around all your friends have them and you're stuck with them. I've started only taking 2 starters from each batch instead of 4 just to keep the bread population down. Today I have to bake 4 loaves. And since it is a sweet bread that will be enough for us til the next baking day. I promised Peeper we'd make cupcakes too so I had better run. We're going to taking the chill out of this old house with our cheery baking. And we may even listen to some Iron and Wine while we do it.

Update

2011-09-16T09:58:00.002-05:00

It feels like fall around these parts.

The summer was amazing. I only worked two weekends a month with the odd shift sprinkled here and there. Spending the whole summer being mom was awesome. We bought a cheapie camper and parked it at my mother's and spent a lot of time out there. The three littlest Makers even got to go to Vacation Bible School out there, which left me with my mornings free for a week. I went and visited my grandma, and was actually able to feel useful. I love it when people you love are able to humble themselves enough to ask for help. It really is a blessing to be able to help someone. To know that their day was made just a little easier by your being there.

I was blessed again with being able to grow some of our own food, but the garden was not as plentiful this year. I did get all of the tomatoes pulled before the frost came, and have hopes of making dilled carrots in the next few days. I've started putting the garden to bed for the year and it is almost cathartic.

The chickens are getting so big! We moved them out to the country and spent so many summer days with them. They knew that whenever we came, they'd get to come out of their pen and visit and eat treats. So all I had to do was call "chickens" and they'd come barrelling out of the coop so fast they'd hit the wire and clamour over each other to get to me. So sweet. That is happiness in my humble little opinion. Sitting in the shade watching the chickens be chickens. Its better than television.

School has started once again and the return to routine is fabulous. I am getting so much done around the house and have the opportunity to bake everyday. I do have to think about starting to work more though. I had a small buffer in the account to facilitate me being here with the kids while they were home for the summer, but its been depleted, so back to work I must go. Now that the little ones are in school I feel way less guilt about leaving, as I can work the bulk of my hours while they are away....which kind of gets me to the next update blurb.

I am ALL finished my licensing exams and am expecting my ambulance operator's license in the mail any day now. The process of waiting for all the necessary paperwork seemed so dragged out. So my advice to anyone needing a child abuse registry check in the province of MB is to do it 8 weeks before you need it! That is how long mine took, and I sent it away the day after I graduated. It was required before I could even book my provincial written exam. And then once you pass the written you can apply for the practical. And each test is only offered once a month. So the whole thing seemed to be really drawn out. It kept me going back and looking at my books though! Once I have my license in hand I can start work! I'm totally ready and even got myself a nerdy pair of steel toe shoes. Hopefully I will be able to work days.

Still single. Still loving it. While I would love to just be able to go out casually on dates, I just really don't think it is going to happen because;
a) In a small town every guy that I am seen with I must be 'fucking'. Ya, its heinous.
b) I like to go out and experience new things, but ultimately I want to come home to my kiddos alone. I love the gesture of a man walking a lady home and going his separate way. It seems so pure. But really in this day and age what guy thinks he should go home alone?

That and the last time I tried to be with someone, I picked the wrong someone and it ended in a peace bond! And bruises on my arms and him admitting to things I can't even bring myself to repeat on my blog with a good friend of mine while we were together. Gross. He was so quick to accuse me of sleeping with all my guy friends, and my ex, but turns out he was the one being insincere. Let me tell you, once I forgot him and this supposed friend my life has been drama free.

And a side note to the baking everyday...Yesterday I made muffins out of some banana nut instant oatmeal packets. It was going to expire and my kids didn't like it. I just substituted half the amount of flour for the packets and the kids LOVED them. Yeah, the oatmeal they HATED. Fickle little children.

So that's life in a nutshell here.

Look what I made...

2011-06-04T17:21:00.003-05:00

You'd think with a pseudonym like Mrs. Maker, I'd be more crafty, right? This is the first knitted article I have ever made! For Christmas BedHead got a set of looms and an instruction book from Santa, and last night I thought maybe I should give them a go. Looked at the book, and two and a half hours later...a hat!

I actually made it with the intent of giving it to my wee nephew, but Peeper claimed it as her own.

P.S. Technically I didn't make this, but I did it! Not bad for a single mama of 5 with 2 jobs at the time, if I do say so myself.

On my mind...

2011-06-02T22:42:00.003-05:00

Little chick love!

These are our little gold and silver laced wyandottes. Our very first backyard flock! They are already so loved. I actually had to tell PoopyPants to close the box in the truck because I was having a hard time keeping my eyes off of them and on the road. The kiddos were so excited, I let them miss school to shop for the supplies and pick them up. We are keeping 5 and 5 are going to a friend once they can be outside. Their names are; Silvermist, Poachy, Goldie, Omlet and Charlie.

And thanks again to Rhonda at http://down---to---earth.blogspot.com/ for introducing this great 'On My Mind' idea.

Sold!

2011-05-29T20:14:00.003-05:00

Today, for the first time in years I went and hung out at an auction sale. Not that there was really anything I was in need of, but its more about examining all the cool stuff and seeing how much it 'goes for'. And the desserts. And the visiting. I did end up with some really cute little glasses because I'm trying to get away from plastic for the kids now that they're getting bigger...not that it matters how big they are I guess cause Mr. Maker broke the most glasses EVER and he was the biggest. And I got a Polaroid Land Camera Model 80 for my step mom who collects old cameras. Shh...going to give it to her for Christmas. The best score, to me, was the box of books for a buck. They're mostly old school books. Some have names and dates in the late 1800's. All this for a grand total of $7.42!

HannaBanana and I got to hang out by ourselves for a couple of hours and it was nice. She and PoopyPants probably get the least one on one time with mama because they go to public school, are smack in the middle when it comes to birth order. It was a good day.

On my mind...

2011-05-26T13:41:00.005-05:00

Again following Rhonda's lead at
http://down---to---earth.blogspot.com/, here is what I have on my mind today.

My $700 cat!

Well, $698.47 to be exact. Rico came to us as a "teenager" sized stray. After a couple of weeks of the little makers feeding and loving him, he was here to stay. Last fall I had him fixed and he began his life as a house cat. Here he is in the picture with his brand new bag of $75.27 special diet cat food.

We took him after hours to a vet an hour away when we noticed he was crying and straining, not able to void his bladder. Turns out he had a struvite crystal in his urine, which also brought on a bacterial infection. After having a catheter and and iv and having fluids pushed for 2 nights he was able to come home...on a urinary diet and 2 weeks of antibiotics.

Rico, you owe me. I had better not catch a glimpse of a mouse around these parts!

Keeping Track

2011-05-23T18:36:00.002-05:00

This year I want to keep track of everything that comes out of this little yard of mine. I want to see just how much one yard "in town" can produce. It might be nothing, or it might surprise me, but so far it is super exciting. And here is the first tiny bit. Dandelion greens and some baby spinach I added to store bought romaine for our Caesar salad tonight.

And a few leaves of lemon balm. Geesh, I wish the mint was bigger.

So I remember what I planted...

2011-05-23T13:53:00.006-05:00

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx raspberries

--------------------------- onions
--------------------------- onions
=================== carrots
=================== carrots
=================== carrots

Waiting a few days to put in tomatoes...and whatever else I end up buying.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ beets
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ beets

++++++++++++
+++++++
+++
+ peas

--------------------------- onions
################### spinach
=================== carrots

************************ radish
************************ radish
************************ radish

O O O O O potatoes

O O O O O potatoes

O O O O O potatoes

O O O OO potatoes

P.S. Just because rocks, sticks, and toy grenades probably aren't very reliable row markers.

Graduated!

2011-05-19T17:55:00.000-05:00

Yay!

Love is the Answer

2011-05-17T10:15:00.005-05:00

This post could have appropriately been titled 'Some Deep Shiz' and its gonna be my little rant...and probably rather long winded. So...

How do I know this for sure?

God told me.

Really? Really!

I never really talk about my faith, and I am very tolerant of the views of others. I know what I believe and I would never fault someone for believing something different from that. This is my story.

I truly believe in intuition. I think it is God given, and maybe even a way for Him to speak to us in a way that we can feel and interpret. When I was pregnant with Deklan, I knew something was different. It was little more than a gut feeling that lead me to take him to the hospital, when many people thought I was overreacting. He and I had a deep connection that began before birth and was almost physical throughout his life. At any time I could walk into his room and pick up his energy, even when he was in a coma. There was a time when I felt a heavy chest, like I was coming down with something. But it was him. A chest ex ray showed one of his lungs had collapsed. Neurologists told me he'd have moderate to severe delays, and yet he cried when taken from me. I think every mother and child are bonded on a deeper level than we realize. It stems from the belief that our children are hand picked for us.

Deklan lived his life within the walls of a hospital and I was there with him the entire time. It was very trying for me, as I'm not a huge fan of the medical establishment in general. I saw the contraindications of all his treatments. I hated the doctors and nurses for what he was being put through. I busted so much ass. I was on a mission to do whatever I could to make his quality of life better. I forbid wipes to touch his skin. It angered me that one specific nurse would put a blue pad under his unclothed little body, plastic side up. It stuck to him! Nothing but baby blankets were allowed under him from then on. I even brought my own to the hospital to be used. The point of this little rant is that I questioned EVERYTHING they did. I really fought for him. And that was different than everything I had done in my life until then. I had always been a flight kinda girl.

When the doctors decided that withdrawing support was in Deklan's best interest I was fuming mad. One doctor said something about emotion and I said something really mean. I even sent a doctor packing from his room at one point. Doesn't sound like love, but really I'm getting to the point.

In the end the only reason I felt at peace about going along with their decision (not that I felt like I had much of a choice) was that My God is stronger. If Deklan was meant to live, he would, life support or not. When they took him off the pressers and the ventilator I held him and sobbed. I remember thinking I should be telling him it was going to be ok. But all I could do was cry because I loved him and wanted him for myself so very much. But he told me it was going to be ok. As he passed away I was overcome with an overwhelming feeling of peace and love. I even apologised to the doctor and the nurse for everything and said, 'There is only love'. The nurse looked at me like I was on crack, as it was clearly not the person I'd been up til then. But that is how I felt. I had felt him in life, why not in death too? He was close to God, and I felt it. There is only love.

Deklan's short life was such a gift. I thank God everyday that I had the honor of being his mother. He taught me so much. To give and receive love is what matters in life. Really, the reason I am at peace with the quality of his life is that I loved him like the little baby he was. He was not a patient to me. He got to feel a mother's love. And I got to call an angel my own.

If I apply this lesson of love to my life, it just works. If we love ourselves, we will not put bad things into our bodies. We will not put up with those that want to cause us harm. We will surround ourselves with positive people. If we love what we do, we will do a good job at it. The love will resonate to those we care for/work with. It won't feel much like 'work' at all. If we love others we will not harm them. If we love the planet we will keep it safe. To me it makes sense. To me love is the answer.

Greenhouse Day!

2011-05-17T01:21:00.003-05:00

Well, truthfully, knowing I have a bit of a habit when it comes to gardening, today was the first of probably a few 'greenhouse days'. I actually only ended up with 20 little plants, and most of them are BedHead's. She decided this morning to come with my girlfriend and I along with the little ones. And then she promptly came home and liberated a little piece of lawn for herself! She is going to grow a tea garden, in the shape of a circle, and she set about picking out her plants all on her own. Today was definitely one of the homeschooling perks. Impromptu field trip! Everything is/can be a learning experience if we open ourselves up to it.

Every spring, for the last 3 years I have made the trip to an organic greenhouse an hour away. They technically aren't certified organic anymore, but they haven't changed growing techniques from when they were. And that is good enough for me. Seeing how the proprietors live is an inspiration to me. There were 2 WWOOFers working there today. There is a straw bale guest cottage on site. It just has a great energy. The little ones see sawed for the first time and jumped on the trampoline. I mostly watched them while BedHead and the friend shopped. The friend bought 4 flats! I only ended up with 1 but I totally attribute that to the hardiness of these little plants...they keep coming back, so I don't have to buy as many!

We packed a picnic lunch and did the tourist thing. We also happened upon a liquidation sale at a business that was clearing out the previous owner's stock. We filled a bag for $30, and when BedHead added it up, it would have regularly cost $726! We ended up with some nice suede type winter hats, mitts, sandals and dressy boots for HannaBanana and Bedhead, boots for Peeper and a dress shirt, capris, a skirt and a couple sweaters for me. Score!

So much cheaper and healthier than eating out.

On My Mind

2011-05-13T12:58:00.003-05:00

Thank you Rhona Jean at www.down---to---earth.blogspot.com for encouraging us readers to steal her brilliant idea. Really, if you could look inside my head today, it would look something like this...

This is my very cluttered coffee table, which seems to sum up what goes on daily in my life. None of this is staged-only snapped from above. You'll see my lap top open to my blogs, which I read every morning over a cup of tea. Peanuts from bedtime snack the night before, and a little Tiny Maniac's spelling test. 10/10!!! A couple of books my eldest two are reading; notice how one is by L.M. Montgomery. Girls after their mother's heart they are. To round out the menagerie is the PS3 remote to control the SpongeBob movie little Peeper is watching while I read, and my textbook. Last night at midnight I just had to look up the word for sharp, localized abdominal pain. I couldn't for the life of me remember beyond starting with a p. I knew the definition, the word had just escaped my cluttered mind and I couldn't sleep until I looked it up. Pretty nerdy that these are the things I think about at night.

Happy Friday!

P.S. Parietal. A localized, intense pain that arises from the parietal peritoneum, the lining of the abdominal cavity.

So Far...

2011-05-05T12:28:00.004-05:00

The weather has only cooperated with my attempts to get stuff done outside a handful of times. So far this is what I've gotten done.

The playhouse we started last year still needs to be finished.

New digs! The Lumberguy and I cranked this out pretty quick.

New raised bed. So excited! And new (dirty) truck.

HannaBanana's first deep bed. The little fence she picked out makes it look like a tiny cemetery.

Looking out the front door at the whole menagerie.

Because of my very limited picture taking ability and attention span, for now you'll have to imagine the little one foot wide strip around the yard. Maybe I'll have a pic once the peas start. And of my garden in the backyard. And my cold frame. And the wildflowers and garlic planted in old tree stumps. And somehow I'm going to fit a little hen house into all of this. I hope to keep track of everything that I grow in this yard to show just what a single gal can do with her own little piece of dirt.

Happy Belated Easter!

2011-04-25T09:23:00.002-05:00

I hope everyone's Easter was a smashing good time. Ours was. Chocolate breakfast, yard work, kite flying and a traditional Sunday feast is how we spent our day. I think I'm still full...

Life's Detours

2011-04-21T12:11:00.002-05:00

It is funny how even when you know what you want, and are driven to do/get it, there are always little bumps in road. Its never smooth sailing, well for me anyway.

For a short while I decided to take on a full time job. This was in addition to my part time evening gig and taking a course. Yes, yes, I am certifiable! This job did not last long, but it was nice to see the bank account not depleted at the end of the month. Now, being home during the day, I feel even more blessed. This truly is where I want to be.

Just a few more things to catch up the blog before I start some substantial posts (and maybe even start taking pictures again):
-Bought a truck! All by my little self. Crazy, maybe. One step closer to farm life, for sure.
-Ordered chicks! Backyard chickens. YAY!
-Started tomato, watermelon, pumpkin and sunflower seeds.
-In the process of ripping up a strip of lawn around the perimeter of my yard. I'm going to put
up a little fence and grow peas (the kids' favourite) around the whole thing.
-State of emergency declared in the Village of the Damned!
-Made yogurt. And after a month and a half of not baking, everything I make is appreciated by
the little makers.

Its Official!

2011-01-28T11:56:00.002-06:00

For the first time in 13 years, I'm a student again!

Feels good to be using the ole noggin.

Ramblings of a Mom

2011-01-19T19:14:00.003-06:00

Its funny how a smell can transport you right back to childhood. To me Crayola crayons still smell like childhood.. But they have to be Crayola brand. Weird.

Anyway as PoopyPants and I were walking home after picking up take out the smell of a wood stove burning somewhere was evident. The cool, crisp winter night. Snowflakes the size of dimes falling from the sky. Certainly one of those 'life is beautiful' moments. I closed my eyes and was reminded of being a child again, a little girl of about 8 years. Before the complexities and inequities of life had revealed themselves to me. To that sweet spot in the cycle of existence when the world is a good and wonderful place, and your mother is the smartest person that ever lived.

Its moments like these that remind me how important the role of mother really is. And I wouldn't trade this job for anything.

Remnants Of The Day

2011-01-05T17:24:00.002-06:00

Today was a day spent among friends. I tea partied literally all day. Full on. Fancy cups and everything. A girlfriend came over this morning for tea and biscuits with homemade jam, and another this afternoon for Amish cinnamon bread and lemon loaf. So these are the leftovers of my day...2 teapots and a bunch of fancy cups and saucers that don't go in the dishwasher. Notice the tiny blue cup at the very bottom? Tea parties are for tiny people too! More days should be spent this way.

1/1/11

2011-01-01T22:11:00.002-06:00

You have to admit, that looks pretty cool. 1/1/11. Looks like a fresh start. Back to square one. And I don't even buy into the whole new year, new resolution thing. I don't feel like I need a date on a calender to change things that aren't working in my life. But if that's what it takes for people to want more and do better, that is great.

I do however have goals. They are pretty much the same goals as always, but I do feel newly fired up to attain them. Health is a big one. Its not so much about looking better or losing weight...its about being healthier and stronger. I want to be sure that I am able to defend mine if need be. So I may do the same as a lot of people are at this time of year and get myself a gym membership. Geesh there is this part of me that cringes when even thinking about going along with the crowd. Anyway...whatever your resolutions, or not...

HAPPY NEW YEAR

May this be your best one yet!

New Year's Shennanigans

2010-12-30T13:22:00.002-06:00

Up until yesterday I had no plans whatsoever for New Year's Eve. A girlfriend and her hubs were possibly coming over for a drink or two after she got off work at 6pm. Each of my sisters has children who will be away that evening, so it would have been hard to talk them into coming down and hanging out with my kids and I. When you have the chance to go out and do something sans kids, the last thing you want to do is kid stuff. Well, us anyway. Its the same reason I could never be a teacher. I want to save my patience for my own children. And moms need adult time too. I use work for conversing with adults. Being a single mama doesn't leave a lot of time for socializing outside my home (read lots of tea dates). But now that BedHead is old enough to take care of her siblings, I have gotten out for a couple of hours here and there.

The kiddos have been on my case about making New Year's plans. They want to party! Last year we went to a hotel with their aunties and cousins and they had a wonderful time. They wanted to do it again this year. But like I had said, there are no cousins around this year.

Yesterday was dentist day. I had the pleasure of having a tooth pulled. Yuck! Anyway on the way home there was a contest on the radio and I called in and won! Ten VIP tickets to a nightclub New Year's Eve and a certificate for 75 bucks to use there.

So the kids and I are going to go into the city and get a hotel room. We get to order pizza and swim. And I get to go out with aunties too. For free! Win Win! And I have never gone out for New Year's Eve. It has always been spent in. To tell the honest truth I slept through it last year. Woke up when it was all over. I haven't done the club thing in years. YEARS! We'll see how it goes.

The best part is that its totally going to be a girls' night and the kids got their way after all.

Christmas time Tomfoolery

2010-12-27T21:01:00.004-06:00

Keeping with the same theme as last year...a top ten.

1. Went out with both sisters and brother for the first time since we were kids. And acted like kids.

2. Had the same Christmas feast as always, but realized it tastes even better at 3:06am.

3. Half price wrapping paper. I'm so cheap. And seeing as that made the list, lame too.

4. Got a scarf from BedHead, that she totally knitted in private. I guess that's what the 'keep out, presents being made' sign on her door was about.

5. Night at the Roxbury. Classic.

6. Turns out sandwich meat is perfect for decorating. Who knew?

7. Christmas Day sledding, a brand new tradition.

8. Family. I really love and miss those crazy buggers.

9. Did not put one cent on my credit card.

10. For the second Christmas in a row, have no significant other in my life, but feel whole. I have the best kids a mother could ask for. A family that loves me. Few, but amazing friends. A warm and welcoming home. I am blessed!

Revisiting The Dream

2010-12-16T16:26:00.002-06:00

Back. And hopefully better than ever.

Baby Steps...

2010-08-18T23:58:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow I am going to look at a farm for sale. One step closer to the dream...

'Tis the Season

2010-08-14T11:43:00.004-05:00

No its not Christmas! But this time of year always feels like Christmas to me with all the gifts of the harvest season. I love the fall! And yes, technically, it isn't fall just yet, but today was one of those 'need a sweater' kind of days I love. This is the time of year I get to see the point of all those little tomato seeds I started so long ago.

On Thursday we went back to my hometown for a visit, and then a round of golf with Mr. Maker. The chokecherries were ready! They aren't plentiful this year like in years past, but we managed to pick a 4L pail almost full. After years of making syrup, I thought this year I'd try jelly. But we just don't eat much jelly, so syrup it will be. That tart sweetness on waffles and pancakes can't be beat! Reminds me of childhood every time I eat it.

I worked until almost 1am last night. At work I put the word out that I was looking for unwanted apples, and wouldn't you know it, one of my patrons has a tree in her backyard with apples just falling off and going to waste. This morning I asked Peeper if she wanted to go apple picking and she was so excited about it that even the dreary weather didn't keep us in. We picked for about 15min and got this 20L pail full. And there are so many more...I just need a taller ladder. I'm dreaming (and googleing) all the things I can make with these.

And last, but certainly not least, my Brandywine MONSTERS!

Chilled little apple pickers having a 'warm up' snuggle.

Here's to the harvest season. Happy picking!

Doing the Tourist Thing

2010-08-09T13:14:00.000-05:00

Random Updates

2010-07-30T13:11:00.003-05:00

I am back working outside the home, at 2 different jobs. Its still part time, but it pays the bills. And because I am working at a resort, the tips are great. Much more so than here at home. I am adhering to a tight budget (saving for the farm) and my tips cover the groceries. That is fantastic! It frees up my pay cheques for the bills and if I don't have the cash, I just don't buy more stuff-simple as that. It helps me avoid impulse buys big time, not just putting it on the debit card. And I use up what we have on hand, so less gets wasted.

A little stray cat has been coming around, and after a month or so of the kids loving him and feeding him, he is quite tame. I am going to get them to help wrangle him and take him to the vet for a checkup. I have a feeling he'll be coming with us when we move. Little Rico.

The garden is doing wonderfully! I have baseball sized tomatoes on my brandywines. And some teenie tiny little cucs. Our peas are all but done, but were a great snack for the kids. They loved them and ate them fresh so there were none to freeze. Last night I cut and froze some herbs. And we made tea out of fresh lemon balm and mint. It was delish! A girl friend of mine has been overrun with lettuce and onions which we happily take off her hands. One night this week at supper I had to make 3 batches of caesar salad because the kids ate it up and wanted more. The strawberry patch out here was almost totally flooded out, so they had no u-pick this year. I took the kids once to the u-pick an hour away, and I went alone once, and in total we brought home 6 ice cream pails. I made a couple batches of freezer jam and the rest I froze for smoothies.

This weekend we are leaving on a cross country excursion. A week long holiday seeing the sites. A girl, five kids, and a black and white pup. We may even tent a bit. But I have 2 nights of work left before then. So I better get packing, and I hope I don't forget the camera...

Still Kickin

2010-07-16T01:07:00.002-05:00

Yep, I'm still alive.

The bad mood didn't last for long...I'm a lover not a hater, man. I just haven't had, er ah, made the time to update the blog.

Life has been BUSY. Being a single workin mama of 5 is tough stuff! I will update with pictures soon. (My Brandywines are now taller than Peeper.)

You are invited...To a Pity Party

2010-07-03T18:05:00.004-05:00

I have been pretty darned productive lately. Actually formulating some sort of a plan in the direction I would like my life to take. Progress is being made. But there are some days when the realization that Deklan is gone is too much too take. In 4 days he would have been turning one. The son we wanted so badly. The blue bundle in a sea of pink. There are days when I just feel numb inside. Today is one of those days.

Today I feel bored. Unhappy. Cheated. Why does Peeper not get to be the big sister? It kills me to hear when she says she wants to go to heaven to play with him. Why does The Lumberguy keep coming around? Why do we get along better now than we ever have? Deklan's first birthday is my first day back to my old job. Same house, same ass backwards town, same old job - minus one very much wanted and loved baby. What the hell is the point anyway? Maybe it would be better if I was already moved. Was already in school. Had the option of having more babies. I feel discouraged by the world around me. The way it keeps on turning without him. How babies that were born after he died are now older than he was. The ones his age are toddling around. Turning one. I think its extra hard on his dad now. He'd be getting to that age where mom (and mom's boob) aren't the hear all and end all. Dad will play with me! He'll throw me up in the air and do all the things moms won't. Cheated. Cheated out of having a son, the only carrier of his family name. Men are usually so stoic in their loss. He rarely talks about the way he feels, but I know he hurts as much as I do.

All this because I put towels away in the linen closet and found one of the hospital receiving blankets that accidentally made its way home in the wash. It all came flooding back. I'd go out of Deklan's hospital room every morning and get those blankets off the cart. Give him his bath. Fall asleep in the chair together. I will never have that back. And it sucks. Today the loss feels fresh again. I know tomorrow will be a better day, but for today I just want to be pissed off at the world.

Honey Cake

2010-06-24T16:18:00.002-05:00

1 cup oil
4 eggs
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup orange juice
1/2 cup strong tea ( I used chai)
2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp allspice
1 cup honey
2 1/2 cups flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
pinch salt
3 tsp. baking powder

Mix all ingredients well. Put mixture in ungreased cake pan (I couldn't trust this and greased mine) and bake at 350 for 45 to 50 min. So yummy (and easy) with strawberry jam as topping.

And The Big News Is...

2010-06-23T09:59:00.004-05:00

Losing my son changed my life. It almost felt like my old life was not applicable anymore. When I got back home after being away in the hospital with him, everything seemed different. It was clear that 'the way things were' were not going to work anymore.

I wondered if I should go back to my old job. I had told my boss I most likely wouldn't be back, as I was going to be at home with a baby. But there was now no baby to stay home with. Should I kick the new girl out of her position?

What about the house? Do I sell it? There was really no reason for me to stay since The Lumberguy and I weren't together anymore. I have always wanted to live out in the country anyway.

I was suddenly single...and carrying a rare genetic mutation. So my dreams of being a stay at home wife and mother to MANY were not a reality to me anymore.

I wanted to give myself until after Christmas to make any decisions.

I have mentioned before that somehow I am always provided for. It is probably my faith that is allowing me to live past the huge blow that losing a child is. Not one week after Christmas break I get a call from my son's teacher. There was an incident at her children's daycare and they had to be removed. Would I be able to keep them for her? So that solved the problem of having to go back to work right away. The girl who had replaced me could keep her job for the term she had originally expected. Even though I hadn't actively pursued any ideas or made any decisions, I had been provided for.

Not having to stress about work right away gave me the opportunity to really assess what was important and what could be left behind. For the last few months I had been toying with the idea of going back to school. I also wanted to work for the summer in my hometown with my sister, golf for free, and spend countless hours at the beach. After a couple of shifts at the resort, it is super clear that leaving my home and children to work for minimum wage is not going to work forever. Financially I can manage to pay the bills doing so, if I adhere to a strict budget, but personally, I just can't. I'd rather be at home with them, but then the bills would not get paid. So the only other thing I can think of is to go back to school, and in the end, be away from them for less time, but make more money.

While Deklan was in the hospital, there was a lot of medical information thrown at me. I took it upon myself to become educated about what was going on. To be a good advocate for him I needed to know more than I had before his illness. I didn't find it to be hard at all, in fact, if it had not been related to my son, it would have been totally interesting. Should a profession relating to the medical field be what I pursue? It wouldn't be a far stretch, I mean that was the plan in high school. Then I got pregnant with BedHead and the only thing that mattered to me was being a good mother to her. Some upgrading would be in order for university entrance. There is definitely a bit of self doubt there. It has been 12 years, would I be able to go back?

Ok. I know its a jumbled mess, but I'm going somewhere with all this. Really.

With little Peeper, I had a Midwife. And then when I was pregnant with Deklan, I was devastated that they had booked up quickly and there was no midwife available for his birth. I didn't like my OB. She did the trick, but I disagreed with so much that she said. When it came time to give birth to him the labour did not go as smoothly as it had with my other children. Had the doctor had her way it would have been packed full of unnecessary medical interventions. But I knew what I wanted and what my body was capable of. Because I had been through the birthing process before, and I had educated myself, I had the birth I wanted DESPITE my doctor. I would love to help other women have the birth experience they desire.

I think somehow, I have found the perfect plan for the road I'd like my life to take. I am so very excited. I'm going ahead with my plan for working and being close to home for the summer and having tonnes of fun with my kiddos. We are even planning a cross country road trip and my eldest 2 and I are taking in a few music concerts. BUT...in addition to this action packed family adventure of a summer...

I am starting to work on my doula certification.

That is my big news! I think it will be perfect. In the fall I will start my upgrading, so that in addition to the doula study, should give me a pretty good idea if I will be able to handle the work load of going to university. I will also then go back to my old job (the girl who took my position is leaving, so again I was called, I didn't have to steal a job away from anyone) and it is slow, and much quieter than my house, so it will allow me a lot of reading and study time. I am so excited! I think I already said that...but I just can't say it enough. I feel very blessed. And it is very obvious that I am, because things have just seemed to fall into place for me to go after this new dream. As much as I would love to have more babies, I think it will give me great satisfaction to help others while they have theirs. I am not ready to be done learning about the miracle that is pregnancy and childbirth.

There is no way I would have had the confidence and determination to do all of this before Deklan. And while I am sure I would trade anything to have him back and healthy, I am thankful for what I had with him. He was given to me for a reason and I thank God for that everyday. His life was my catalyst for change.

Big News!

2010-06-22T12:15:00.002-05:00

Big. Really.

True to fashion I always wait way too long to share anything that excites me for fear of somehow jinxing it. I am almost to the place where I would feel comfortable sharing my news with all of my blog reading friends. (Very few of whom are real life friends, but anyhow.)

But, here's the catch. I would love you to try to guess.

I'll spill the beans in the next couple of days when things become a little more secure.

And, no...I'm not pregnant!

HannaBanana's First Garden

2010-06-21T15:31:00.002-05:00

A girl after my own heart.

My Garden...In Pictures!

2010-06-21T15:19:00.002-05:00

These guys are volunteers. I figured they were determined to live and let them be. Look at 'em now!

Millie.

One of my little baby Brandywines. Getting bigger everyday.

Raised bed, aka. overflow garden. (Started too many seeds and bought too many herbs.)

The main garden. Year before last, this was a driveway.

Hapiness Is...

2010-06-15T09:30:00.005-05:00

1. A warm dog lying on cold feet.
2. Kids that wake up for school without a fight.
3. Fixing your computer ALL BY YOURSELF!
4. Finding the time to stop and drink orange juice out of your favorite glass in the world (because it is from your sweet son, who visited the Franklin's yard sale on yard sale day and bought it for you), while looking out at perfectly brilliant rows of potatoes.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-06-09T12:09:00.004-05:00

Cleaning out the freezer.

Breast milk pyramid.

The Mother Guilt

2010-06-07T14:52:00.003-05:00

So, on the weekend I went grocery shopping. I noticed that I purchased more convenience type foods than I normally do. I can't exactly say why. Do I want the kids to be able to help themselves to snacks? Is it because I started working outside the home and I feel pressed for time? Is it because I remember those little two-bite brownies being so yummy?

Anyway, said brownies have been the object of affection for everyone in the house today. "Mom, can I have another brownie?"

So as I'm eating I'm feeling guilty that I didn't make these brownies and I'm reading the bag.

Travel back to the days when home baking meant just that - all the best and simplest ingredients from the pantry shelf. Hmm, maybe I'm not being so lazy after all.

Just honest to goodness, goodness.

Wait just a minute...I don't have any liquid whole egg sitting on my pantry shelf.

I feel a baking spree coming on.

I'm an Aunty!

2010-05-31T14:51:00.002-05:00

Kaden Calvin and Aunty B

Ok, so an auny again, for the fourth time...but it never gets old.

June 9th...Big Day!

2010-05-28T11:18:00.005-05:00

The last somewhat healthy day...bundled up and went for a walk.

So, everyone probably already knows about Deklan, my little sweetheart, and his valiant fight with a liver that eventually crapped out on him. In his few short months here on earth, he taught me so many lessons about myself and my own life. He changed my life in more ways than I could ever explain. Through his fight my eyes were opened in regard to the medical establishment. I saw a lot of things I didn't agree with and I realized there is a huge need for patient advocacy, but in all there are amazing things being done for sick and/or chronically ill children.

That being said, one of the things that struck me the most and has stayed with me since has been the demand for blood products. Over the course of Deklan's life of 4 months and 12 days he needed a total of 119 blood products. His treatments involved dialysis and since he was so small the CRRT machine had to be primed with donor blood. A new circuit (which has to be changed and re primed with fresh blood) was necessary every 4 days. So that in itself requires a lot of blood product. He also suffered from an infection which seemed to eat platelets. At one point he needed to be transfused and there were only 9 units of platelets ready for use in all of Manitoba! For a period of time Deklan stayed on the cancer ward. So I got to see that there was a HUGE need for platelets there as well. Chemotherapy causes a low platelet count, as does a failing liver, which Deklan knew about all too well.

There was a night in Toronto that I almost lost my little sweetheart. He had a superficial wound that in any one of us would have scabbed over and been no big deal. But because of his failing liver his blood was not clotting as it should and he almost bled to death. He would have, had there been no blood to replace what he had lost. He needed volume, man! I sat there as they pushed vial after vial of red blood, platelets, albumin, even Factor VII. THAT BLOOD SAVED MY SON'S LIFE! Sure, he died one short week later, but in that week his siblings had a chance to fly to be with him. His grandparents had a chance to tell him they loved him.

So this is my appeal to everyone...Go give blood! It's something we can all do with minor discomfort. And it is vital in so many treatments. It has been 6 months since I had Deklan's beautiful name etched into my skin. That is the mandatory waiting period for donation after a tattoo. My appointment is June 9th, and I'll be giving my first of hopefully 119 donations that day. Who's in?

If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say...

2010-05-25T09:02:00.004-05:00

Don't say anything at all, right? Well its my blog so I figure I can say whatever I wish. Nice or not so nice. What if the truth is not so nice? In my humble opinion, honesty always is the best policy.

It was brought to my attention by a counsellor that I have very few memories before age 11, the age I was when my parents divorced. Her opinion was that it was because my home life must have been so volatile that I've suppressed my memories as a form of self preservation. So I really can't say what my life was life when Mom and Dad were married. What I do remember is life after Dad left. And it was not fun.

If people ever wondered why my relationship with my mother is strained it is because I feel as if I have no mother at all. She was merely a presence in the house, but never really mothered anyone. Maybe my sisters would tell you different, but I can say truthfully that I was on my own from the time I was 11 years old. My brother was not treated very well at all, perhaps because he was the only boy. But being a kid myself, I didn't see it until later. I wish that there was more I could have done for him. He has turned out to be a fine young man though, so he in some way must have overcome his crappy childhood as well.

There is a school picture of him in a ripped t shirt. And he was just a little guy, grade 2 maybe. Not old enough to be protesting clothing. So its not like he would have refused to wear anything else. But that's the way it was in our house. Just because picture day was coming up was no reason to make sure laundry was done. Or if it was done it was thrown onto a pile on the bed for us to sort through. I learned how to do laundry in grade 6 out of necessity. I remember wanting to wear something nice for my picture day and having nothing clean. I made sure after that I knew how to wash my own clothes. I learned how to make rice out of necessity as well. At one point there was very little food in the house except for a big bag of long grain rice. I remember reading the instructions on the bag. Its not like I was shown how to do it. I learned on my own.

It is very hard to be a preteen and want to have friends over but be too embarrassed because the house is a total mess. And my house gets messy with 5 kids living here and an extra or 2 here and there visiting, but never like my childhood home was. I'm talking animal messes everywhere...even on the stove one time that I remember. Even now I am upset if my house is a mess. I remember the kids making fun of me for how our house looked. Those kinds of things really stick with a person. And the saddest thing was that there was no reason for it. I had a mother who worked outside of the home very little. I cleaned as much as I could, but it is hard to clean up after 5 other people when you're only a kid. Most of the time I kept the door to my room closed and just stayed in there. The cigarette smoke really bothered me, but that was never reason enough to stop smoking in the house.

I remember Mom's friends and boyfriends. She always seemed to be having someone over. I don't remember any outings as a family. I remember the neighborhood kids coming over because Mom was the adult that would go buy booze for them. I remember her going to some class in the city that was funded by the government. There was even money allotted to babysitting. We could have had someone there to help us with our homework or make us a meal, but instead one of Mom's friends signed the forms and we stayed on our own. That was she got to keep the money for herself. We did have babysitters though. When Mom wanted to go out and night. When she got home she and the babysitters would stay up and drink together. Just the other night my sister told us a story about one of her birthdays as a kid. I remembered the story but not that it had been her birthday. That day Mom and one of her friends got drunk and mom decided to cut down a bush with a hatchet and sliced her knee and had to go to the hospital and get stitches. Happy Birthday Honey! If there is one day to be there totally for a child, would it not be their birthday? Our childhood is full of stories like that.

All of these things continue into adulthood. I hear how Mom berates my nephew using the same language she used with my brother. I didn't even have a honeymoon because I had no family to take care of the children for 2 days. I have never even talked about these things with anyone but family until now. My son died of a condition that is passed from mother to child. When you are a middle aged woman and you are plagued with headaches and other mysterious symptoms, and this new discovery of a genetic condition is brought to light, don't you think you'd go and be tested? It could explain everything and help doctors to better manage your health. But no. Does there ever come a point when a relationship with someone who is supposed to be as close as your own mother gets to be too unhealthy to be a part of? I have done everything I feel that I possibly can to help her. But what if someone doesn't want to help themselves? It is too much for me to watch her nonchalantly smoke after doctors have point blank told her it will kill her and she watched her own father die not being able to breath. She has the exact thing he did just way earlier in her life. I have been out at her home weekly for over a month working my tail off to clean up her property. Then on the weekend she gets drunk and just throws stuff on the ground? Even after I asked her not to. I guess its her place. She can do as she pleases. I won't be helping her anymore though. For my own well being I have to cut ties with this woman.

It should not surprise me that once again she put her relationship with a friend over that of her child. Its just too bad that this friend was supposed to be my partner. I got doubly betrayed. Live and learn. If she had confided in me some of the inappropriate things he'd been telling her, I could have confronted him, or ended the relationship sooner. I had even told him very early in our relationship I was uncomfortable with his friendship with my mother. Even now that we are no longer together he calls her. I feel tremendous guilt for letting someone else into our lives, only to have them now gone. All these things only make me stronger. They give me more determination. They make me more protective. More selective. More quick to trust my intuition.

Sad...Just Absolutely Sad

2010-05-24T22:10:00.002-05:00

Where is the Fight?

2010-05-24T20:11:00.003-05:00

Nothing in my life has been handed to me. I have worked hard and I am pleased with how far I have gotten. There is fight inside me. A drive to succeed. A fierce advocate for my children...that I owe to Deklan, the little sweetheart. Every person who has come in and gone out of my life has taught me something about myself.

Not everyone has this motivation inside of them. I am fiercely loyal and I demand a certain amount of loyalty back. Especially living the life I want, which is going to be full of hard work. I need to know that a potential partner has my back. Someone who will not flounder at the first inkling of adversity. A willing and devoted ally. A loving and like minded companion.

I want to mate for life, so to speak. But in that mate I need certain qualities. Someone strong yet caring. A confidant I can trust. In return he would be paid with love and baked goods! For the meantime I will plug away on my own. I will do the necessary to get closer to my goals. I will not settle.

I owe this renewed determination to you, Globinski. Thanks to your breach of trust I have refined my search. And at least I learned this valuable lesson in 2 short months, unlike the 3 years it took me the last time. Maybe I will never find the one that was meant for me. But at least I know who I am. At least I have the fight in me...

Listen to This!

2010-05-13T11:38:00.002-05:00

Myles Black and the Pearly Whites on MySpace Music - Free Streaming MP3s, Pictures & Music Videos

Progress

2010-05-12T09:39:00.002-05:00

I realized long ago that I will not be able to live the intentional kind of life I REALLY desire while living in town. Many people do the 'urban homestead' thing and that is great. But I need a few acres to putter around on. I own a home in town, and hope to sell it (as soon as fall, maybe) and buy a hobby type farm. At some point I had to think about just how much I wanted to convert my urban yard. I mean my idea of a fun time may not be someone else's. Not everyone might want a lot of edible landscaping. Should I cement in posts for a clothesline? I don't think Mr. Franklin would care for me having chickens all up in here. I can't, or maybe shouldn't, make all the changes I want to make. So for the time being I'm concentrating on fixing up my place in a way that will appeal to more potential buyers, not just me and all the other hippies.

But...My mom lives on 5 acres. And that land will stay in the family. So I don't mind working on it. It will definitely benefit someone in the long run, if not me, my sisters for sure. And I don't have to worry about pissing anyone off with my off beat ideas cause they're just as crazy as I am.

A couple of weeks ago we cut and pulled up sod the make a garden. Last night I again made the hour long drive to spread moo poo and peat moss and work it into the soil. It is ready to plant! We also took a load of tree branches to the dump. Now for the first time last night we went to the dump and came back with something! I know I know! I always used to wonder what those people were looking for. But what I found was chunks of concrete and bricks. Jackpot! We pulled the sod around the old fire pit that hasn't been used in years. The grass was knee high. Then we put down the concrete in a mosaic type circle with bricks, and stones. It may be homely to some, but to me its perfect. Such a mix of found materials. I can't wait to go have a fire there this weekend. I should have taken a picture.

Getting Mom's property into shape is going to take a long time. It has been neglected for quite a while. But slowly, we are making progress. It is going to take hard work. But that's the thing. When work is split 3 ways and you get to talk and laugh the whole time it doesn't really even feel like work.

Happy Mother's Day!

2010-05-08T15:48:00.002-05:00

To all the mothers out there!

In my life there are a real mix of moms. I can see so many different qualities that make them strong. My sister, who would rather play with her kids, and teach them about black holes, but has to work to support her little ones. Seeing the strength it takes for her to leave them, and the guilt she feels having to, makes me a more loving mother. My mother, the hard as nails softy. Hearing her defend her family at the slightest inkling of a threat, makes me more of an advocate for my own children. My grandmother, a woman I have loved dearly and respected all my life, growing older and shakier. I remember the two of us running down the train tracks. She inspires me to run and play with my kids while my body is able.

My friends with children of their own.

My sister, a mother for 11 years and now expecting a baby in 4 short weeks...about to become a new mother all over again.

My children's teachers who leave their own kids to teach mine.

There is another group of moms out there, and they are the ones that my love and thoughts will be with probably most of all tomorrow. They are the moms with no children in tow. They have felt that heart wrenching sting of having their babies taken from them all too soon. They are perhaps the strongest mothers of all.

Zuke and Chip Muffins

2010-05-07T09:10:00.002-05:00

What were you doing at 10pm last night? I was making muffins. Getting a head start on today's snacks. It was the first time I used this recipe. I like it because all things considered it has a relatively small amount of oil and sugar. I used organic rice milk and milk less chocolate so the milk allergic little ones in my care could eat them.

1 cup quick oats
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 tbsp baking powder
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/3 cup sugar
1 cup shredded zucchini, packed
2 tbsp cooking oil
1 egg, lightly beaten
3/4 cup milk
1/2 cup chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 400F. Line or spray 12 muffin pan. In a large bowl stir together dry ingredients. Set aside. In a medium bowl combine zucchini, oil, egg and milk. Add wet ingredients to dry, stirring just until moistened. Add in chocolate chips. Spoon batter into the 12 prepared muffin tins and bake for 20 minutes, or until lightly browned.

A Pair Of Shoes

2010-05-03T12:28:00.003-05:00

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some people are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by

before they think about how much they hurt.

No one deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger person.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a person who has lost a child.

- author unknown

The Birds and the Bees

2010-04-27T12:57:00.003-05:00

So it would appear that I am falling into what would like a relationship. I know! So totally not expecting anything like that to happen in my life for, well, maybe ever. I'm not in a rush, and I'm going to wait and see how this happens to play out.

Where I was going in this post...
My little Poopy Pants is 8 years old now. He has an insatiable appetite for knowledge. Mom, why this, why that? It does my heart good to see that curiosity for life in him. So at Easter I cooked and had the whole extended family for dinner. His little cousin called her other auntie (not me) a pervert. The next day Poopy Pants asks what a pervert is. My hurried answer was its someone who thinks about sex all the time. So much that it disrupts the rest of their life. OK. Well, whats sex? CRAP!

He actually seems satisfied with the answer that sex is something 2 people do to make a baby when they love each other very much. Thanks goodness he didn't ask about the mechanics of it. We'll save that for another day.

Easter was quite a while ago now, and there have been no more questions of that nature since.

Now this new person in our lives is actually a friend of mine. Globinski, we'll call him. Poopy Pants seems to really like him, as do Peeper and the Tiny Maniac. The oldest 2 girls tolerate him. That's a good thing because they seem to be very protective of their mama. They don't often welcome new people into our lives with open arms. One night not very long ago we are all sitting in the van after having ice cream. We are finishing our cones, dropping Glob off at his vehicle, when out of the blue...

Mom, you should give 'The Sex' to Globinski!

Oh my goodness!?!

I think I peed a little.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-03-17T10:35:00.003-05:00

The headline would read: 2 Floods in Laundry Room cause major Laundry Backup.

Wordless Wednesday...not so much.

2010-03-10T12:59:00.002-06:00

I just can't remain wordless this Wednesday! I can't even contain my excitement.

The Lumberguy and I have remained friends even though we are no longer in a relationship. We actually have tea every morning at 10am. This morning at tea time we were talking and I just realized how far I've come. How happy I really am. I mean, from the place I was in 4 months ago, there's nowhere to go but up, right? I don't think that he's in the same place I am though. Even though he was the one who drove the break up, and the first to look for another relationship, and the first to try to regain his old 'pre Deklan' lifestyle with the going out/drinking with friends. I have realized that how 'well' I am doing, or seem to be doing (depending on the day) is not a reflection of how much I miss Deklan. I miss him terribly. Every. single. second. of every. single. day. Being depressed is not going to bring him back. If there was a way to bring him back trust me, I would have found it because I have played out every possible scenario in my head. But me not living my life to the absolute fullest, well that would just be a waste. I felt like I could have died right there with him. That was how much losing him hurt. But I CHOSE life. In the beginning it was merely surviving, but now I feel like I'm living. And it feels great!

When I first got back from being away with him, I felt like I didn't fit here in my old life anymore. I needed a change. I talked to The Lumberguy about wanting to go home. By home, I mean being closer to my family where I grew up. I didn't know how I was going to do it and maybe it was just a wish at first. I got busy with life and kids and home...well I just got busy trying to live again. In the back of my mind was still this idea of 'going home'.

Ok, so finally here comes the excitement part! I'm going HOME for the summer! I don't know where I'm going to live, or how exactly its going to work, but I'm going. Its going to be my hippie summer. My summer of freedom. Love. Happiness. My sister works at a resort during the summer that is 10 minutes from our hometown. This year she is in charge of hiring, and I'm going to work with her. I'm only going to work enough to pay my bills here, and take care of any expenses I'll incur being away. The rest of the time is going to be spent with barefooted children, on the beach, at the pool, living life. Life, beautiful life! I'll be close to almost everyone I love. Close to my new baby nephew, coming in June. Close to the grandmother I adore. Close to the mother who could definitely use the help of an able bodied daughter.

Secretly I hope to find the farm I have been looking for for over a year, and come back here only to sell my house and pack my most precious belongings. So there, universe, I said it out loud. But I'll have a job to come home to should I need it. And I have my home, which I own, and a few friends here. Its not that I am not happy here. I just want to live my dream life. And I'm ready to do what I need to do to find out what that dream is exactly. I have always had a rough idea, but I am so very excited to make it into reality.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-03-03T13:25:00.003-06:00

I became a mother 12 years ago, today. Happy Birthday BedHead.

She is better on the computer than I am, and has hidden all her "self portraits" somewhere.

The Ramblings of a Mother

2010-03-01T11:42:00.005-06:00

How great life would be to see it through the eyes of a child! To love with reckless abandon. To live life with enthusiasm. To play and be happy every day. To have a fresh outlook, without the cynicism that seems to come with age.

That is the life I want to strive for. I want to foster that zest for life in my children. To lead by example is key, I think. If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. So all I have to do is strive for happiness and fulfilment in my own life. Teaching respect by giving respect. Its kind of win win.

It was a counsellor who pointed out to me that I have little to no memories of childhood before age 11. The fact that I blocked everything as a subconscious self preservation mechanism was a huge revelation. My past had somehow been dictating the kind of people I let into my life. How I lived my life up until now. But it doesn't have to anymore. I want my kids to remember the Chubby Checker twist competitions (insane exercise, btw) and the tea parties. I don't want them to feel that they have to censor who they are. I want them to trust their instincts. I want to give them the confidence and values it took me almost a decade and a tonne of hard life lessons to acquire.

Instead of getting to my dishes, I have been dreaming about the adults my children are going to become.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-02-24T09:08:00.003-06:00

One year ago today, I saw him for the very first time.

Life...Beautiful Life

2010-02-22T22:44:00.005-06:00

It would appear that I have started a new life without even realizing it. Last night I was thinking about the fact that it was already February 22nd, 2010. All the time spent away with Deklan slipped through my fingers ever so quickly. His life went by in a blink. And now, since being back, I haven't quite adjusted to that missing time. I keep thinking Halloween should be coming. Its hard to grasp that while I was gone advocating for him, time passed. Seasons changed. Life here had continued and changed and so had I. I came back different somehow.

He made me a stronger person. A better mother. And if I had been given the opportunity, a more loving life partner. It is amazing how having him for the short time I did turned my life upside down. How someone so small could have such a huge impact on the world around him. I realized the change within myself, but being so busy with the kids I didn't take a good look around at everything until very recently. Somehow he snuck into my life and took out every part that wasn't working. My life now is almost unrecognizable from what it was.

Ten months ago I was working outside the home. I was in a committed relationship. I felt like I was drowning in a sea too deep with responsibilities. I wonder if he felt the stress while he was growing inside of me.

Now I am at home full time. Working and even teaching from home. The life that has emerged is one much calmer. My house is full of happy laughing children. The lessons he taught me about love and life are invaluable. The surprising thing about it all is that I didn't consciously change anything. Everything just fell into place. He planted this little seed of love that is now blossoming into a beautiful life.

I've Been Bitten...

2010-02-14T22:58:00.004-06:00

The upstairs pantry complete with running inventory.

Not so new, but improved downstairs pantry.

Dark and scary before.

By the organisation bug again. This was my project for the afternoon.

Clean out gross, dark, cobwebby cubby.
Take everything out of upstairs pantry.
Inventory everything.
Put most back in upstairs pantry.
Take rest down to new improved cubby.

Voila! Emergency pantry complete with running inventory.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-02-10T17:05:00.002-06:00

Where are you summer?

Saturday Morning Visit

2010-01-16T13:03:00.012-06:00

The Camper

For lack of anything 'productive' to post today, I'm just gonna copycat.

This is our typical Saturday morning. Kids free-ranging, tearing the house apart and rearranging it to fit into their very imaginative plays. Somehow they have to fit what every individual child wants to play into one mass theme. So from what I can tell today it is a mobile animal rescue, cross country, adventure with a baby who is one but can walk and talk. What funny little children!

I should have taken a picture of the massive fort in my living room last week.

Regrets

2010-01-09T15:07:00.003-06:00

Everyday Deklan's story replays itself in my mind. Every time it plays out a different way. Maybe if I'd stalled the doctors....Maybe if I'd demanded the antibiotics to be stopped sooner....If I'd held him more...How/what could I have changed so that he would have lived. I should have been stronger, smarter, better.

There is no doubt in my mind that Deklan could have been healed. Sometimes I think that it is the faith I had that makes it harder on me. It was the doctors' decision to take away the support that was keeping him alive. I wasn't strong enough at that time to fight their decision. Or even to realize I had the right to oppose it. If he had been taken by God, just slipped away unexpectedly, maybe I would have been more at peace with it. Ultimately I know that The Lord is stronger, and if Deklan was meant to live he would have, without life support. Part of me was expecting a miracle in that moment.

I hated the doctors. I hated their attitudes. I questioned everything. Maybe Deklan's healing had to be bigger than what they could have done for him. Maybe healing is not the way my mortal mind views it. Now he is safe from everything the doctors were doing to him. Everything I hated them for. He has been saved from pain and sorrow. He has been saved! Healed!

Not in the way we define healing though. It makes me sad that I couldn't heal him. I couldn't make him better. Mainly I feel like I was not enough for him. He needed more than I could do, than I could give. More than any person could do or give. The rational side of me knows that there was nothing more I could have done. I mean I had 6 doctors collectively telling me he wasn't going to make it. But my heart tells me that a mother's love can heal anything. My heart that is filled with regret...

Double click the top result.
http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/search/songs/?query=this%20woman%27s%20work

Little Brother

2010-01-05T21:25:00.004-06:00

The saddest thing happened today, well maybe not the saddest, but it really tore at the old heart strings. Today the cat was lying in the bassinet I bought for Deklan. I don't know why its still in the living room, but it is. It sits in the spot it was in waiting for us to bring him home. Bedhead and I put it together a couple of weeks before he was born. Anyway, I run over and shoe the cat out of it. "You can't be in there" I say to her. Then Piper says, "Ya, Deklan's gonna sleep in there."

As well as we have tried to explain death to her, her little 2 year old mind doesn't quite get it. She thinks he is still at the hospital. Sometimes she says she misses him and wants to go back to the hospital and see him. The fact that she believes we left him there saddens me. I never left him alone there while he was alive. Even in death I could not leave him there. We carried him to the funeral home's waiting van before we left the hospital the evening he passed.

She is so crazy about babies, as all 2 year olds are. She doted on her little brother. "He's so tiny." "He's so cute." Every time someone talked about him that's what she'd say. She was supposed to be the big sister. The birth order is all screwed up now. Its just one of the things you'd never think of until something like this happens and you're alone with your thoughts. I wonder what it must be like to have another baby, when the baby gets to be older than the child you've lost, how that must feel. They'd have a big brother, but we'd only known him as a baby. He was THE BABY to us. Or losing an older child. I can't even imagine that kind of pain. I guess its hard no matter how you slice it. Its not the natural order of things.

In two days he would have been 6 months old. He would have been starting some solids. Growing out of sleepers. Rolling around on the carpet. Hanging on his big sisters' every word. I wish he was here so I could lie him down in the little bed that his sister and I put together for him. I just want to hold him again. I miss him. We all do.

My Christmas

2009-12-28T11:45:00.005-06:00

What did I do this Christmas? Well I'm glad you asked. This Christmas I :

1. Singlehandedly ate half a box of chocolates.

2. Let my eldest daughters talk me into shopping on Boxing Day. Yikes!

3. Met new people.

4. Realized I want to stuff my life full of family and good friends.

5. Bought a pair of cool jeans for less than $20.(The upside of being talked into shopping.)

6. Laughed until it hurt.

7. Had to listen to Dad tell the story about me as a kid and my McDonald's toys for the twentieth time.

8. Acknowledged that my baby sister could absolutely kick a man's ass and not even break a nail.

9. Was probably the oldest person at a social, didn't care, couldn't wait to get home and have a cigarette and watch McGuyver. (jokes)

10. Went to sleep for the first time since Deklan's death without crying.

11. Ate the same Christmas feast we have every year and thoroughly enjoyed every bite.

12. Watched the kids all get along and have a great time with their cousins.

13. Played Rock Band (not very well) with the kids for the first time in a year.

14. Shovelled snow. A lot of snow.

15. Got the best present, a back scratch from the Tiny Maniac, the best back scratcher in the world. And chore coupons. Mostly I was delighted that they realized Christmas is not about 'stuff '.

And...

16. By the grace of God had the best Christmas yet, even though it should have been the worst.

Happy Birthday Jesus!

2009-12-25T14:56:00.000-06:00

"Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord."
— Luke 2:11 (NIV)

Is there anything more sad...

2009-12-23T22:30:00.003-06:00

Than a broken heart at Christmas?

There is no part of me right now that could even fathom being in a relationship again. Giving my heart to someone else after having it absolutely ripped out first by the death of my darling boy, and then again by having someone I loved and relied on bailing on me, seems like an impossibility. But it would appear that is not the case when it comes to the other half of this newly departed relationship. It seems that The LumberGuy is already working on something else.

I never would have known, as I have had sick little makers in the house for the past few weeks and last night my poor little Peeper had to be taken to the city to see a doctor, but again *someone* must have been looking out for me. Somehow, and it seems like such a long shot, but he happened to accidentally send a text message meant for said new interest to Mr. Maker. How in the world? Anyway Mr. Maker forwarded it to me and when I asked The LumberGuy about it at first he lied, but then told me the truth.

And here is the really amazing part. I was not angry! Not in the least. I was upset that when I had told him our little dolly had to be taken to the doc he chose to go curling because that was his plan and he told me he was too drunk to keep the kids and wasn't interested in making the hour and a half drive on the snowy winter roads with me. I was upset because being a parent is 24/7, not just when its convenient or there is nothing else to do. But about the fact that he stayed and curled and drank some more, and sent text messages to another girl at 11pm I was not. Mostly I feel sad...for him. Is this how he is trying to heal his broken heart?

Being on my own right now is hard. Really hard. But it is making me so very strong. I am here for the sick little makers. I am feeling all the feelings without dulling them with alcohol. I have been blessed with the clarity to see my failed relationship for what it is. And when I feel sad I seem to get yet another reminder that while extremely hard, it really is for the best.

Tonight, instead of being upset that The Lumberguy's family didn't invite the kids or I over to exchange presents and when he came to give them to the kids could not get out of here fast enough to go to the party at this 'alleged' interest's house, I am fine. Happy to be here baking banana bread and cleaning up wrapping paper. Usually the Scorpio in me would be furious, but I can honestly say that is not the case.

I am blessed. (See photo below.Lol.)

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2009-12-23T21:47:00.001-06:00

From our home to yours...

2009-12-18T19:41:00.004-06:00

Today we had to go into the city for The Tiny Maniac to see the eye doctor. I attempted to Christmas shop (not my favorite thing at the best of times) with two kids in tow. I did get 2 out of 5 presents though. I had the best luck! I went to Micheal's and spent about $120 on one present and some little odds and ends and storage boxes. Everything was on sale so I figured I already got a deal. Then, and I'm not sure why, but the cashier swiped a 20% off coupon. Nice! Then I went to the Bulk Barn for the first time and wow it was like a hippie's paradise in there. I got my loose leaf earl grey tea (yum) and some organic spelt flour and sugar, sea salt, currants, tea biscuit mix and some jelly beans.

When we arrived early for our appointment we took a walk around the mall and much to my delight there was an indoor market set up. I bought red pepper jelly, pickled carrots, and some homemade granola bars for the girl' afternoon snack.

Ok, I realize not everybody is as huge a loser as I am. But I am thoroughly satisfied with my haul today. Today was the first day I actually felt a little bit like my old self, interested in the things I used to be interested in. Peeper was pretty happy about the tea too!

What doesn't kill us...

2009-12-17T15:56:00.003-06:00

Will make us stronger? Really? These days I feel like what hasn't killed me has made me bitchier. Lol. No matter how bitchy I am though I have decided that is still no reason for the person who is supposed to be there for me no matter what to not be. He wants to drown his sorrow in a bottle of beer, and has been. Pretty much every night since we got home after Deklan's death. I understand different ways of coping, and that is his, but it is just not acceptable to me. He also told me looking at me reminds him that Deklan is not here. Yes, I am Deklan's mom, but I'm not just his mom. I was supposed to be the one he loved enough to create life with in the first place. But I guess that's not the case.

For the first year and a half of our relationship I felt like I was filling a position. Most of his friends were married with kids, and here I was a single mom with 4 and one on the way. It was an easy way to get what everyone else had. I was always here waiting for him when he got back from whatever it was that he was doing, that he never included me in. We went through a really hard time, and I really had thought he'd changed. Things were so nice between us and I felt like it was really different. I forgave everything that had happened and we were in such a good place we made the decision to have a child together. I don't regret that decision one bit.

We did right by Deklan for the 4 months and 12 days he was here with us and that is all that really matters now. It just hurts me because The Lumberguy has done a complete 360 and is back to the irresponsible alcoholic he was before we started dating. I know those are strong words, but I had to call him to come because one of the kids was really sick. It was 6pm and he was already 2 sheets to the wind. I've called him, really needing to talk and he has said, this is where I want to be, out with friends, having a good time maybe it won't always be, but right now it is. What the heck is that supposed to mean? Am I supposed to just go through losing OUR son all on my own and just be right here waiting to take you back when YOU decide its time? No thank you! I feel like it is GLARINGLY obvious that we are not supposed to be together. This I feel with all of me. It doesn't make it any easier though. It still hurts to have lost him, especially since I have seen what a great guy he really can be.

I read through my old blog posts from when he and I had all our issues and I see that I could have walked away then and saved myself a whole lot of heartache. But everything happens for a reason they say and even though I have to learn to live without him once again I can't say working things out with him was a mistake. Because from that love we had came our wonderful boy.

Don't worry about tomorrow...

2009-12-11T09:02:00.002-06:00

God is already there.

One of the sweetest little things sent to me over the past three weeks was definitely a business card sized verse from my dear Sunday school teacher. I remember just loving this woman as a child. I read it many times a day and it reminds me that what I am going through right now does not define what the rest of my life is going to look like. Thank you Mrs. Taylor.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

My tears smell like him!

2009-12-08T21:52:00.002-06:00

No sooner did I write it than the smell dissipitated. I've been sitting here crying the ugly cry. You know the type of bawling that takes your whole body. I call it the ugly crying. I hate to cry. When the doctor told me that the team had come to the decision to take Deklan off life support he said, you'll go through every emotion. Not here, not in this place was my reply. Inside I thought to myself you bastard you are not God, this is not your decision to make. Then he threw in the 'your baby is suffering' statement that thoroghly made me feel like crap. I didn't want to give him the satifaction of seeing my cry. (I've said before I'm a stubborn bitch.) Crying has never really been my thing, especially in public. Except in church. For some reason I cannot hold back emotion when I'm within those walls. When my Grandfather, this man who was like a father to me and I respected immensely died I didn't shed a tear until his funeral. I then bawled like a baby for the entire service.

But when I held my son as he took his last breaths and the life slipped out of his body I could not hold back the deep sobs. I held him so close to me and cryed and cryed and cryed. I felt like I should have been comforting him as he passed, telling him he was going to a better place, that it was ok. At that point the emotional pain I felt was almost physical. I felt that I would surely die right along with him.

So as of yet I haven't cried in public since coming home. Tonight at HannaBanana's Christmas concert I felt that lump in my throat though. I had the realization that I would never see my sweet little Deklan in a school play and it broke my heart. Thank God for my sweet HannaBanana though. And the little Tinymaniac to my left and Peeper on my lap and PoopyPants across the aisle too cool to sit with the girls. I always knew they were precious, but what a miracle the birth of a healthy baby is, the life of a child is. Its almost impossible to feel the enormity of it until you've experienced the opposite.

But I now cry regularly at home. Its almost on a schedule. Every night after the kids are in bed. I sit in my living room or at my computer and listen to his cd of beautiful lullabies and bawl. Its the only way I'm able to go out without being a blubbering mess. Crying it out at night gives me strength for the next day.

P.S. The Putumayo Dreamland world lullabies is hands down the best lullaby cd around. I got so many comments from doctors and nurses and it brought such a calm to his room. One of his nurses even used to sing along with the African song and another asked if one of them was Hebrew because she recognised it as something her mother sang to her. http://www.putumayo.com/en/catalog_item.php?album_id=109

Some scary @#$%

2009-12-08T21:36:00.002-06:00

Metabolic disorders are taking our babies! I have often said that an extra check mark on a lab requisition at the first hospital I took Deklan to may have saved him a world of sickness, maybe even his life, but now that I am at home at the keyboard of my computer, my googling confirms it. It makes me feel absolutely sick to my stomach. Deklan's disorder was a particularly rare and nasty one, but there are a myriad of other manageable metabolic conditions killing babies. The key is EARLY detection and management. Many of these conditions can be detected before a baby even becomes symptomatic. With metabolic babies even a cold or flu can send their bodies into crisis. When Deklan was set to come home we had to have a very strict protocol in place as to exactly what steps need to be taken should he turn up in an ER.

I can easily see this becoming a life's work for me. I would give anything to have my little sweetheart back but that's just not possible. The next best thing would be to spare another mother this kind of gut wrenching loss.

http://www.savebabiescanada.org/

I used to feel...

2009-12-02T13:31:00.003-06:00

Like there were not enough hours in the day. I was always in a rush. Too many things to do and not enough time to do them. The feeling of being a day late and a dollar short, like I was almost drowning was a very common one. Before. Now I have not felt rushed. Not once. I realize its probably because I'm missing him so, but since Deklan passed there are almost too many hours in the day. Too much time to miss him.

Today I realized that maybe this is my gift. My thank you present for taking care of the son who was on loan from The Lord. I'd like to think that I did right by him in his short life. Because of how I feel the universe works, I don't think getting him was a mistake. I've always thought I got the perfect kids. I've always just instinctively known what they needed, and felt its because they were perfectly matched to me. Years ago when talking to a mother with two children, both of whom were adopted, I had asked if they both had the same birth mother as they looked so much alike. Her response was that these children were given to her by God, so why not make them a matching set. That's how I feel about mine. They were given to me. Deklan was no different. When he became very ill at 4 days old I had a very tough conversation with God. I know he's yours, and you can take him God, but I want him. And I got him. For 4 months and 8 days more than anyone thought I would. And of course I'd rather it had been 8 months or 8 years or 80, all those days were extra, borrowed, a blessing.

Those 4 months and 8 days went by in a blink. The days in the hospital were busy ones. He was being taken care of by doctors from many different disciplines. There was always someone coming into his room. Or an appointment to go to. Or a test or scan to be done. Life was busy. And it felt like the time I spent with the other kids was just as rushed. Many a time I'd just wish for more time. And what was always my silent plea to God has now been granted. Once when I had left Deklan (in his less sick days) with his dad and spent a full night at home with the other kids, I returned to the hospital and together The Lumber Guy and I took Deklan overnight to The Ronald McDonald House, where we were staying in the city, on a pass. I asked The Lumber Guy if he felt more comfortable with Deklan here (RMH) or at the hospital. He said I feel most comfortable when you're with him. This must be why Deklan was given to me. I was who God felt most comfortable entrusting him to. So, I would hope it is in return for being there for my precious boy while he was with me that my wish was granted. Although I did it for no other reason than I love him unconditionally. This is how I assume God feels for all His children. And this is His gift to me. More time with the children left with me here on earth. I don't feel I have to stay up late to do just one more load of laundry. I have tomorrow, or the next day.

There is always time to read Pinkalicious again before bed.

2009-11-30T14:36:00.004-06:00

Of course I wanted this to be at the end of the post...

I don't even know what to write anymore. Or do. Or say. I've lost my little sweetheart. And I don't even know how I'm able to function. I'm sure its probably because of the kids and their need to be taken care of. They are probably the only reason I get up in the morning. After talking to the hospital social worker for the first time since Deklan's death I feel better knowing even getting up in the morning is progress. But thank goodness people just know that when someone dies you send food cause cooking is the last thing I want to be doing. For the first week I ran at a flat out pace organising and putting the house together after my four month absence. But now I am starting to crash and burn. It's really starting to get hard. I'm finding going out with all the children the most difficult because I feel like I've lost one. I know I have but I feel it in that literal way. The best way I can describe it is this...While in the second big city we were air lifted to The Lumber Guy and I took Little Peeper out for lunch to a nice restaurant. She was the only child with us for the majority of our stay there and it was a luxury for her to have us together. He and I switched off at being at the hospital so Deklan was rarely alone. This particular day we decided to go out for lunch at a restaurant attached to a mall. When we got up to pay she ran. She ran around a booth and out into the mall. But because she'd run out behind the booth it had looked like she ran into the restaurant. She was missing for three whole minutes. Three minutes of sheer hell. We even called security. All she had done was some window shopping. But that feeling of losing her and not being able to find her is what I feel all the time now. And when I'm out with the kids its worse and I'm constantly counting them. I even have dreams and the baby isn't Deklan but its lost and hungry and crying and I can't find it. It tears me apart because everything I believe tells me he is safe and well and happy where he is, so why can't I feel it? I could feel everything with him. He and I had a bond I didn't have with the other kids as babies. It was a physical type connection and maybe I just had it with him because he was the only one who was unwell. I felt it even before he was born. At one point my chest hurt for two days. I didn't know if I was getting sick or if I was tired or why it was feeling that way. He had a chest x-ray and it showed a collapsed lung. Things like that were not uncommon throughout his illness.

I'm trying to pull the meaning and the lesson out of this. It's hard. I'd like to be able to recount his story in a productive, reflective, meaningful way but I just can't yet. Its all gonna come out in bits and pieces for now I'm afraid. All I know is that I was so blessed to have had him, even if it was for just 4 months and 12 days. He was honestly the sweetest human being I've ever known. Everyone who met him loved him. In a way I was lucky. I had him completely to myself for his whole life. His life was in the hospital and my only job was to be there for him. No dishes to do. No kids to get off to school. It was was just Deklan and Mom. His bath was his favorite thing and sometimes I'd bath him twice a day. When we were moved to a shared room with no tub I took him in the shower with me. That was how little I left him. Even when I spent time with the other kids his dad was with him. And one of us stayed until the other got there before we'd leave. In his sickest days I'd stay up until he was calm and fell asleep cause me holding his hand worked better than Ativan. One day he'd been crying for a couple of hours and when I came in and talked to the nurse he heard me and stopped. That's how strong our bond was. So now I wish I could feel that he was at peace. But I don't feel much.

Even in death we could not leave him alone. We did not want him to spend another minute more than he had to at the hospital. We called the funeral home to come and get him the evening he passed so he did not have to go to the cold place in the basement. His father carried him out to their waiting van. He was wrapped in the new little blue blanket I'd bought for him. It was so nice to have someone to buy blue for again. There's been so much pink in this house for so long. We pushed to have him cremated the very next day because we could not fly home without him. I don't know that we'll be able to bury the ashes. It seems fitting that he is here with us just as he always has been. So the little green velvet bag is upstairs in his crib. Next to his dresser full of all his little clothes I washed and put away. I know he's not coming back to wear them, but I just don't know what else to do with them. He'll always be a part of our family. The little brother. And his stuff won't always be here, but right now its fine that it is.

I guess this is probably enough rambling on for now. I'll post a picture that I feel is so fitting. On the bus to the airport everyone paired up. The seats were in twos and we took up a few rows (the joys of having a big family...we also checked 9 bags). All the kids were sitting together and I looked back and saw my sweet little HannaBanana...

My Summer of Sandwiches

2009-09-08T00:09:00.005-05:00

The most recent picture of my little fighter.

The PICU days.

Well, it would seem that I am living proof that a person can exist on sandwiches alone. Oh, and I've also worked pretty hard to eat my own weight in puffed wheat cake. There isn't much selection when it comes to hospital cafeteria food, and the hospital is where I have been every day for two months. I'll go back to the beginning now.

Deklan Jon, my little sweetheart, was born on July 7 at a healthy 8.8 pounds. He came into the world in the usual way, other than this time around I had this feeling like I was scared to give birth. It sounds absolutely crazy, but I just had this feeling of impending doom when I'd go into labour, and those feelings of stress shut labour right down. I actually said to The Lumberguy during labour that I had a feeling like something was wrong.

Fast forward a couple of days of labour stopping and starting and our healthy, wonderful, long awaited baby BOY arrives. A little strawberry blond, blue eyed miracle. Everything seems normal. Perfect actually. He and I had an amazing first day at the hospital. He nursed like a maniac, loved to snuggle, and even slept in my hospital bed with me. We even took our little guy home. That evening at home, day 2 of life things start going backward. He seems fussy, not nursing as well, clammy. In the morning I phone the health nurse. She says everything I am telling her is still within the realm of normal and I could leave it if I wanted. But that sinkin suspicion inside me told me something just wasn't right. I phone my doctor's office. He says to bring him in to emergency in the city an hour and half away if I wanted him seen. I think everyone thought I was crazy. Going into the city again. Even I didn't want to make the drive again after all the labour trips, but something just wasn't sitting well.

By the time we got to the emergency room he was quite lethargic. That was actually the last time I'd hear him cry in 3 weeks, as he slipped into a coma.

The doctor, a pediatrician of 30 years told us he was just dehydrated. And maybe he had an infection. They started an iv and took a sample of spinal fluid. It was really hard for the hippie in me to accept that they were going to start him on two different antibiotics 'just in case'. That night he lost the ability to self regulate body temp. And this started the process of what I loving refer to as the hospital 'fucking the dog' for 2 days while his condition deteriorated. They tested pretty much everything and found nothing.

On the second afternoon I witnessed what may well have been the scariest thing in my life. I saw my baby stop breathing. His little lungs had been working too hard. He had become septic. He was airlifted to a bigger hospital. In retrospect him stopping breathing was a blessing, because it got him where he needed to be and fast.

Within two hours of being transported we had a diagnosis. The doctor came into the little, seventies hotel reminiscent waiting room where we'd been waiting for hours and said theres good news and bad news...The good news is we know what it is, bad news is we don't know if we caught it in time. We pretty much paced a hole in the floor waiting for the logistics to be sorted out...he needed to be transported across the city and it was unclear if he'd make it. A NICU transport team was thrown together, his drugs mixed, blood typed and ordered from the blood bank to prime the dialysis machine. We actually saw the ambulance, his ambulance scream past us as we sped across the city. That was a feeling I'll never forget.

The doctors worked feverishly against time into the wee hours of the morning. I remember the pediatric nephrologist coming out and talking to us, telling us about the CRRT machine and its risks, the only chance at saving his young life. It was the only way to get the unsafe levels of ammonia out of his blood. A good number for an ammonia level is 50. At that point his was 1800. It had poisoned his system, caused seizures and his organs were shutting down. I don't want to go into detail, but they explained he most likely had a urea cycle disorder. http://www.nucdf.org/ucd.htm

I can't even remember now, as the days have all run on into one long never ending blur, but he was on the dialysis machine for about three weeks. Upon coming off he went into septic shock and he was found to have a pseudamonas infection from all the lines in him which had been masked by the machine. It took trying out different medications until finally antibiotic number 7 got it under control. He had to be on that for 4 weeks after his blood cultures started coming back negative. Slowly but surely he started losing lines and his ventilator. He was stable enough to be moved from the pediatric intensive care unit after 4 weeks to a regular ward within the children's hospital.

We have been staying on the ward for over a month now. I hate it. It is so hard and so far from the life I envisioned for myself or my children. In order to be a good mother to him, I am separated from the others. After being misdosed and overdosed, I do all his feedings and give him all his medications myself. Let me tell you, and this is not just the hippie in me talking as I have witnessed it myself...if you or a loved one is hospitalized, you need an advocate, or if you are well enough advocate for yourself. Check your chart, ask questions, call your caregivers on everything. There have been two big mistakes made by staff since we have been in the hospital. They were mishaps with drugs, as well as other mistakes like lab requisitions for another child having Deklan's name stamped on them.

I think the hardest thing in all of this beyond almost losing him was the fact that I'm not able to nurse. I can't nourish my child. He has to be on a very strict modified combination of formulas. Amino acid modified medical food...yum.

It is so late and I am very tired, and there is so much I'd like to say but I'm going to try to cut it sort of short. Maybe if I get back to my computer I will blog more.

Welcome To The World Little Man

2009-07-08T20:06:00.002-05:00

Strawberry Blonde Snugglebug

07-07-09

8 lbs 8 oz

22.75 "

Adventures in L & D

2009-07-06T11:41:00.002-05:00

No. I have no baby to show for my night in the hospital last night. But I did have an adventure, let me tell you.

First, I'm quite sure this baby may at this point be far too comfortable and has decided to stay in indefinitely. Well, it threatens to come giving me an evenings worth of time able contractions, which play me out and I give in to sleep, only to wake up and have them gone.

So for the last couple of days I've been feeling off. Headache, blurry vision, weakness, all stuff I've never experienced in pregnancy and can actually be a sign of trouble. I decided after toughing it out the first day to call in to labour and delivery last night. The nurse said it can be indicative of a problem and all it would take is a few minutes on the monitor and a blood pressure and urine test to know for sure. But here's the kicker....hour and a half drive to get there. I thought to myself that if something were actually wrong or the baby was under some kind of stress, I'd never be able to live with myself not checking it out because it was too long of a drive. (Mothers would drive to the ends of the earth for their kids, so really what's an hour and a half, right?) That and it was an excuse for The Lumber Guy to eat a Macdonald's burger.

Everything checks out, the baby is really inactive, which it has been for a few days now, but no big deal. The nurse pretty much says everything is ok but lets wait for your doc to see you since she's on call and is coming in anyway. She also says you're only a finger tip dilated but the dr might want to check you herself. Ok this story is getting way too long. On to speedy version now... Dr comes, says you're 2 to 3 so we'll keep you for the night. Baby does what it has been doing, plays the yep I'm gonna come tonight, I do a few laps around L & D, get tired, go to sleep, wake up, nothing. Very depressing. Dr comes back this morning, and this is where the real fun begins. She tells me I'm about a 3 to 4 and I have two options. A) She can try to rupture membranes, or put me on a drip to augment labour and come back and break water at noon. B) I can go home.

Do I want to have my baby today? Heck yes! Do I want to slide down that slippery slope of intervention? Not a chance! I can see how a woman would go for this. After a week of stop.start.stop.start. it would be nice to have it over and hold my lovely little baby. But I just could not willingly sign myself up for that. I've never had my water broken before, or a drip. I have no idea what that would be like for me. What I do know is that I have been able to birth 5 babies naturally without any drugs or interventions. And I don't say this like I'm some kind of hero. I just know that I'm capable of doing it, and to tell you the truth the other option scares the living daylights out of me. I don't know how my body would tolerate an unknown medication. Maybe I couldn't weather the storm of contractions without my bag of water intact. I opted to come home and see what my body decided to do.

And it was not the decision the dr thought I should be making. She actually said, well I'm not on call anymore so I won't be following you around, and, I guess you want to have your baby in the ambulance.

I guess this didn't fit into her schedule as nicely as she would have liked. The nurse was super supportive. She told me she's only been a L&D nurse for 4 years but she's seen it a lot. One thing turns into another and you end up pushing your body to do something its not ready to do and all too many times the end result is a section.

So here I sit, blogging, and doing dishes and laundry and getting to spend the day with my little Peeper and Poopypants. I could have been hooked up to a IV all morning. Maybe I'd have had the baby by now. Maybe it wouldn't have been that bad. But I love where I am right now. I'm happy and comfortable, and I hope that means the baby is too.

P.S. Well not too comfortable you little stinker. You still need to come out and meet us.

Riding The Wave

2009-06-21T11:40:00.003-05:00

Yes I'm still riding my hormone high, and it has enabled me to crank out another finished bedroom. Well, technically its not finished. The Lumber Guy still has to finish putting on switch plate and outlet covers and take down some painter's tape for me, and my darling little HannaBanana will have to decorate as she sees fit, as its her room. She is the sweetest girl. I found her many collections of shells, rocks, and animal figurines when cleaning up. And the Webkinz....oh those Webkinz. They are like children to her. She has made them clothes and toys and even takes them to school. I set up an old pantry which became Peeper's closet for a while, as her Webkinz display spot. (The green and white thing in the corner.) In all of this craziness of cleaning and organizing I am finding new love for my old house.

The Nesting Insanity

2009-06-19T14:56:00.007-05:00

After, which because of my very limited computer skills is first.

Before (quite embarrassing really)

I am definitely a woman gone mad, or, well that's how I feel lately. I have literally been at a flat out run around this house for almost a week. I just finished up work last Saturday, and thought, ah time to relax til this baby comes. Wait a minute...that was my easy job. I got paid for it too! Since then I have been twice as busy. I realized that I was nowhere close to having this house the way I wanted to have it before the baby came. And its funny how every. single. stitch. of. bedding. suddenly had to be washed again. Oh what hormones will do to you.

And I must say that physically I feel wonderful. My sensible little bean of a baby decided to turn head down and since then its been smooth sailing. The kids are all getting along pretty well too. That's always such a happy surprise when it happens. They've been to the pool every night for the past six night, with the exception of last night. (storm) But we had eye appointments in the city anyway, so it kind of worked out. That brings me to the next bit of my nesting insanity.

I've never been a real 'material' person. But lately I haven't felt prepared in the way of having all the 'stuff' needed for a new baby. Weird considering there have been five before. So while in the city I ended up spending an obscene amount of moolah. Now, however, I am ready. Bedroom painted, furniture moved, crib set up, bedding and baby clothes washed, coming home outfit bought, washed and packed, natural baby products stocked. I even bought a smaller size of diaper wraps for my prefolds so I can start using cloth diapers sooner than with Peeper. I will wait till we get past that messy meconium though. Now I just want to get the rest of the house in order, if that's possible. And maybe even have some meals and baking in the freezer and ready. It may be overly ambitious but I am gonna ride this hormone high as far as it will take me and get done as much as I can.

M.I.A.

2009-04-30T17:47:00.003-05:00

I have definitely been missing in action lately. And there has been quite a lot of action around here as there always is. I have gone through a real nesting spree and did get a lot cleaned out, organised, donated and dumped. But now the nesting instinct is overpowered by a severe lack of energy. I usually end up going to bed at the same time as the last of the kids, around 9:30pm. Working, or raising 5, or being pregnant, on their own, totally manageable...but put them together and its a recipe for exhaustion. But I'm exhausted in a good way. At the end of the day I feel like I've accomplished something, really done something.

I'm really missing the care that only a midwife can give this time around. Yesterday was my routine appointment with the OB. I happened to be 30 weeks exactly. She felt around and told me the baby is breech. All my others were head down right from the beginning, so this was new to me, but what floored me was her very one sided, close minded opinion on it. She said, ' I book you C-Section, one day before, we scan you and baby may have turned.' WTF!?! Is this something I'm just supposed to accept? Are you kidding me? To have gone through 5 natural un medicated vaginal births and then this? I started asking a bunch of questions. All of which were basically brushed off or shut down. She even told me that DR.s don't do versions anymore because they're too risky. And had I not asked, I doubt she would have brought it up. But I do have some time before I need to worry. From what I understand babies are still quite flippy at this stage. I did go online and find some exercises to encourage the baby to turn. And if I go back to her in two weeks and the baby hasn't turned, I'm going to ask for a referral to another Dr. Better to find someone a little more open minded earlier than before I'm right down to the wire. Versions are still done in the next city which is 4 hours away, but worth looking into. I'm not the meek little thing I once was. I'm going to explore every option available to me. And I'm gonna give my doc the benefit of the doubt because she wasn't even supposed to be in the office that day. Maybe she was just tired and didn't have time to talk. She's been studying and writing exams, but the doc that took on her patients while she was away got sick. Maybe she realizes its still early, but has that prepare for the worst kind of take on things. I don't know what her story is, but I know mine, and in the end I'll be doing what is best for me.

I have also met with a lot of opinion about my decision to add another child to my already large family. As far as I'm concerned love multiplies. Large families are not for everyone, but I know what I can handle. And yes, my time will be occupied even more, but that just means I have to be more efficient and organised. I'm willing and excited to do both. And I have a loving and supportive partner doing more to make my life easier. It just wears me down when it comes from people close to me. And no one should ever say to a child that their mother is not going to have enough time for them when their new sibling comes. That is just plain wrong. While cleaning out my basement a couple of weeks ago I found a glass frame with the word 'Strength' that I had not unpacked since moving. I have a lot of nice things I have not put up because I've been waiting to paint. This was a gift and it had been displayed on a shelf in my rental, before I bought my house. I loved it. It had a red flower and the Chinese strength symbol as well. Upon pulling it out of its box I noticed it was cracked in two places. At first I was upset because I really did like it and I wanted to be able to hang it back up. I couldn't put up this less than perfect keepsake on freshly painted walls. But then I really looked at it. What a metaphor for life, my life. Strength was misplaced but was found again, and cracked but not broken. It means more now to me than it ever did. Someone was looking out for me once again and showed me what I needed to see.

Something Cute to Share

2009-03-16T17:48:00.003-05:00

Sizing each other up.

Miscellaneous Life

2009-03-15T19:12:00.005-05:00

So my son just came up from playing in the basement quietly for some time...dressed in a ladies' hat and vest. Hilarious. Life is always amusing around here. We do have quite a selection of dress up clothes down there. All he needed to complete the outfit was the pink stilettos. Poor guy. It would be nice to bring home a little blue bundle this time around. There is just something so special about the way little boys love their mommies. But either would be nice. I've really never had a preference for one over the other any time I've been pregnant.

This time around I didn't get a midwife. Not by choice, but apparently there are a lot of July babies coming this year, and they're booked right up. I'm still holding out hope that maybe I'll make it far enough up the waiting list though. In the meantime, I have an OB that seems to do the trick. I fall in love with this child even more every day.

My dear HannaBanana just got out of the tub and I ragged her hair, just like my mom used to rag mine. She is such a beautiful spirit. A little peace maker.

The tiny maniac has been beading up a storm this weekend. We bought a set of beads and clasps. Even PoopyPants made a bracelet for one of his girl friends at school. All I could think was look at this kid now! This is the guy that the teacher wanted to keep in kindergarten. That couldn't hold scissors or a pencil 'properly'. He has come such a long way, stringing tiny beads onto wire. It was hard for me to go against the advice of the principal and the teachers, and say I was going to go with instinct and have faith in my child. He proves everyday he was ready for the challenge and change grade one brought.

This post has taken a long time with little Peeper on my knee. Her job is pressing the space bar. Not that this post really had a purpose to it. Mostly I am just hiding out so I don't have to watch curling...again.

Why I Love The Lumber Guy

2009-03-06T20:18:00.000-06:00

There is someone that I seldom speak of, yet he is an important part of my very interesting life. Its easy with the pace of life here being what it is to forget to mention him. And we did go through a really rough patch about a year ago. But somehow we managed to come through it stronger than ever.

We met officially about two and a half years ago. He was around the same age as Mr. Maker, so he was always somewhat of an acquaintance, as everyone around here of the same age is bound to have mutual friends or end up at the same events. But I never really had much to do with Mr. Makers' activities or friends. I was fresh on the heels of my separation and at that point I was just trying to keep busy. I went down to the lumberyard in town to buy paint for the house. And that's when we officially met/spoke. A week or so later he happened into my place of work and we had something to talk about...paint. I know, how very boring, right? But it was an excuse for conversation I guess. He gave me his number in that high school reminiscent way and I jokingly texted it, asking, "Isn't the guy supposed to get the girl's number?" I sometimes wonder if he was totally crazy for pursuing me, knowing I was a newly single mother of four with one on the way. But I see now that he saw something that took me longer to acknowledge. We never had that butterfly/love at first sight kind of thing. But I've always been able to tell him everything, and I mean absolutely everything. He has definitely seen the worst of me. I'd like to think that I've seen the worst of him too. And yet we still value and accept each other for who we are.

Even when it was really bad between us we still talked. I know that if I ever needed anything, he'd be there for me. And he really has been. For the little makers too. They never have to walk to school. And I don't have to get the little ones bundled up and take them out in the frigid cold. He leaves work to come and take them to school. And bring them home for lunch. And take them back after. He also without asking has taken to clearing the table after supper and loading the dishwasher. It is such a big help because the bedtime ritual for five is quite time consuming. To get everyone in bed and then not having the supper mess to clean up is such a luxury. For the first time in a long time I feel like I have a partner in life. Not a playmate, not someone to answer to, but someone to live along side. We are like an old married couple, even though we technically don't live together. I joke because people in this town like to talk. If they could see just how scandalous our life is...our evenings spent of him watching hockey and me folding laundry.

I realized again just how much I love him when he left to go on a 4 day golf/hockey holiday with a friend. His presence around the house is missed. Seeing him so happy and excited to get away warmed my heart. He's been working really hard, taking on extra projects at work, and extra here with me being sick. He really deserved to go away. Instead of going for coffee at work this week he built the Tiny Maniac a dollhouse book case, like we'd seen at Costco. He's thoughtful like that. And he supports my crazy ideas in life, even though we are two different people.

Its not passionate or exciting, but the thought of our comfortable, stable, loving future together in itself is exciting to me.

Little Maker...In The Making

2009-03-05T17:10:00.000-06:00

There is so much I have to say about this new little life we are awaiting, but instead of doing it half way on such a busy day I'll have a proper post up soon. Today and the rest of this week I am working on getting Bedhead and Tiny Maniac's room painted. We've lived with the mint green walls for long enough, now it is time for them to go. One room at a time I am getting our bedrooms in order, complete with a major closet/toy/clothes overhaul. Its therapeutic donating heaps of stuff-for me anyway. I crave the order and organization right now. Could it be nesting already?

Two posts in one day...

2009-02-26T11:10:00.000-06:00

My little Peeper weaned and potty trained this week! She came about the potty training on her own. I noticed her readiness and have been letting her go diaper less for a while. Until now she would ask for a diaper when she needed to pee. Now she'll either run to the potty on her own or tell me. What a little dolly! She's even wanting to do #2 on the potty too.

The weaning was a little different. I had the UTI from hell these last two weeks. I can usually kick them on my own and they reoccur less if I do, but this one had me curled up in a little ball, sweating and shaking. The Dr. wrote a script and I hate to admit the drugs are good. ( Not that good, but you never realize how crappy you feel until you start to feel better.) So since little Peeps was only nursing about twice a day, and the drugs pass into breast milk, now was as good a time as any. All I did was explain to her that, "Mommy's boobies have yucky medicine in them". She sees me take the horse pills, and seems to get it. We even went to the store and picked out a special big girl cup. She is great about it. We just cuddle a lot. She is very snuggly now, and I love it. The whole nursing/weaning process has been painless with her. It went beautifully from start to finish.

Tonight I am taking the kids into the city and we are going to stay in a hotel and swim and order pizza, and try to beat the winter blahs. Its supposed to be -30 Celsius here tonight. I would have had to go in to the city tomorrow anyway, as I have a Dr. appointment, and since the kids don't have school tomorrow, it saves us driving there and back in one day. Its kinda sorta doubling as part one of a two part eleventh birthday celebration. Bedhead is bringing along a friend. I'm going to buy them each one new thing to wear to the school dance next Friday. That night, part two, she and her friend will wear their new item to the dance and have a sleep over after. It blows my mind that in the same week we're potty training and shopping for a school dance. All the ages and stages are special in their own way.

The Stepford Wives

2009-02-26T09:51:00.000-06:00

I had the enormous pleasure of working last night. At one point it felt like the clock was actually ticking backwards. I guess I should probably tell you what I do for a living. I am a bartender/server at a private club.

I used to bar tend in a bar, but, as I put it to my boss when I gave my notice, if I stayed working there putting up with all the patrons' bs i was going to turn into a raging bitch. It was like babysitting adults really. So I found this new job doing the same thing for way less money. But the difference is since it is a members only club, there are rules and standards of behaviour expected. My boss and co workers are great, and the customers are awesome. One of them brought peanut butter cookies for us at work last night. And regulars give us bonuses at Christmas. This is separate and apart from any sort of wage, they just do it because they appreciate the service. Unlike the last establishment I worked in. There it was like because you were the servant it gave customers licence to dump on you. I got absolutely sick and tired of the stigma attached to working in a bar. The reason I started to work there was because the hours were right. Mr. Maker and I were married and he worked days. He was really good about the bed time routine and had no problem getting four little kids into bed like clockwork. They got to sleep in their own beds and didn't have to go to daycare. I went to work at 6 and they were in bed at 8, so it was less time away from my little makers. I worked the bulk of my hours while they slept. But in this ass backwards town people had to make it scandalous. To them I was there for a good time. Not my idea of a good time, people! After he and I separated it wasn't as relevant anymore, but the money was so good, it was hard to leave. Now I only work enough to pay my mortgage. I'm experimenting with the budget to see if it is financially feasible to work even less. And I just noticed I am way off topic.

Last night, it was quite slow at work and it left me time to notice a few things. There was a table of 8 women. They are all moms of kids the same age as mine. I noticed 5 out of 8 of them had the same haircut. All of them each have two children. They all work days and their children go to some form of daycare. What is this place I'm living in? Not that I have a problem with any of them, I find them to be quite personable. I just noticed how different I am. And not that different is better or worse, its just different.

And this got me thinking. I'm never gonna be one of the Stepford wives. My hair is long and natural and usually worn in a bun. (read boring) My ratio of guy friends and girlfriends is pretty much even. I couldn't see myself enjoying an evening out discussing outfits and purses. I quite enjoy the company of the older ladies from church. There are people out here in my middle of nowhere small town that I do like, but there are few I spend time with. There is no part of me that feels the need to fit in or conform. I choose to live in a small town. And I know that comes with the double edged sword of knowing (or thinking you know) everyone. I'm not going to judge anyone for their differences. I wish it was a two way street, but accepting my own differences and knowing that I may be the topic of discussion because of them and not having a problem with it, I feel, is a huge step in personal growth.

And while 'the haircut' is very stylish and trendy, I'll be keeping my librarian hair.

Progress...One Peanut Butter and Jam Sandwich at a Time.

2009-02-16T11:20:00.000-06:00

Its possible what I see as progress in my life could be viewed by some as a big step back. I mean, why would someone use cloth diapers when today's disposables are so thin, absorbent and easy? Or why would you possibly make your own bread when it costs $1.69 for a bakery loaf from the store? Yes, I'm still nursing my 21 month old, and she still sleeps in bed with me. I'm sure people view me as a sucker for punishment, with my five kids, making more work for myself.

What works for me might just not go for someone else, and that is just fine. When I was faced with the prospect of bringing home a new baby, with four others at home, losing sleep WAS NOT an option. Having her right there in bed when she was hungry in the night guaranteed me as much sleep as possible. She nursed like a maniac ten minutes after birth. She knew what she was doing. It was instinct. And I'm sure when she doesn't need it anymore she'll stop doing it. Just as her sisters and brother before her did. She's gone the longest out of all five. She drinks from a cup without a sippy lid, and eats the same meals we do, its just that she has an occasional boob. The actual term for it is 'child led weaning'. To me its just common sense.

When BedHead was born my mother gave me a tub of diaper cream she just swore by. Well there was never a bum rash to be had. The same was true of HannaBanana. After Poopypants, it expired and I thew it out. With The Tiny Maniac I never even missed it. But Peeper was a different story all together. At two weeks old she had the reddest little raw bum I'd ever seen. I tried everything. Nothing worked. The midwife told me that all the rash she'd seen lately was coming from babies whose Mommies were using Pampers sensitive wipes. I cut them out, and it got a little better. The kids got a kick out of their old pj's as bummie wipes. (I'd already ripped up a couple old receiving blankets into hankies after my darling little Tiny Manic ripped up a kleenex and stuck a little piece up her nose.) And Arrowroot powder works wonders too. But she still had an irritated little bottom. The last and most scary step was switching to cloth. The self doubt held me back. Could I do this? I bought a kit of prefolds and covers. They were so easy right from the start! Why had I not used these four babies ago? Its only one extra load of laundry every 4 days or so. When you already average 2-3 loads a day it doesn't seem like much. Since then I've bought a couple of pocket diapers. They are nice, but pricey. I like that I can stuff them with my prefolds.

I compost. I don't do disposable lunches. I take my own canvas bags to the grocery store. The little red wagon has put on some miles. I recycle. I had one of my driveways pushed out and earth hauled in for a garden. I cook mostly from scratch. I buy organic when possible, and I love going to Mrs. Snider's garden market in the summer. I have been saving my little plastic fruit clam shells for her, and my egg cartons for the lady whose eggs I buy. For me it is just a heightened awareness of the world around me that inspire me to do these little things every day. Its not as much as some people do, but its more than others, and right now its just right for me. They are baby steps to my dream of a more sustainable life.

So today as I'm making the PB&J sandwiches I realize this jam was made by me with strawberries picked this summer from the u pick. And I made the bread on Tuesday. The peanut butter I bought, but it is 'just peanuts'. No oil or icing sugar added. And I realize that this is not a gargantuan gesture, but its my tiny progress.

Its my part in what I feel could be a huge movement if everyone made their own tiny, green, baby steps toward it. Only doing what one is capable of is all I feel it would take. And now that I am doing everything I feel I'm capable of, I feel like I want to do more, push out of my comfort zone a little bit. Maybe start some of my own seeds, have posts pounded for a clothesline, possibly even make my own laundry soap. (The old lady who lived here before me left a lot behind, as she was 90 and her daughters do not live very close. She left washing soda and bars of pure soap. I have borax, so all the ingredients are there, I just have try it.)

So try something new and green. Make some progress! And if anyone actually reads this blog, I'd love to hear your stories.

Snow Day #4

2009-02-12T11:39:00.000-06:00

School has been cancelled four days in a row now. The strangest thing is that I'm not exactly sure why. It isn't cold, it isn't raining anymore. There was an awful lot of snow that fell. Maybe its still just really slippery. I wouldn't know though because honestly people, I don't go anywhere!

So you'd think that after being at home for 4 long days with no TV the kids would be at each others throats and I'd be pulling my hair out, right? Well these little makers just keep surprising me. Everyone is getting along famously. Its funny how for the older two having the little ones around is a novelty. Yesterday they invented a club. For the afternoon they were on the computer outlining the purpose and rules of the club. They even made buttons to wear to the meetings. On them they had their various positions within the club...BedHead, Vice President. It was too cute. Today was their first actual club meeting. I think this may be the greatest club going. They took the little ones under their wing and had all these activities planned for them. Oreo lick race was one of them so needless to say they had the little ones' full attention. Hannabanana and BedHead kept everyone busy for 3 WHOLE HOURS.

So I'm almost embarrassed to say I napped on the couch. But after a busy day like yesterday I think it was well earned. When I got up yesterday, I went full on. By the time I looked at the clock at 9:00am I already had the dishwasher running, two loads of laundry done, kids up and dressed for their day, kitchen swept, and bread dough made and in the sun to rise. It was a work night too. So I'm literally handing the potato masher over as I'm running out the door to be at work for 6pm. When I get home late, it never fails, a little sleeping head pops up to greet me. Peeper still likes to have her midnight nurse. The days are long and full, but I wouldn't trade them for anything.

A Happy Heart

2009-02-10T14:06:00.001-06:00

At the very core of me there is a belief that I am somehow being provided for. That everything is not just a coincidence. That mostly there is a reason for everything. It is just up to me to see it. And that isn't always easy. Life jades us, and makes us cynical, negative...if we let it.

My life is busy. Sometimes I feels like I'm spread so thin, pulled in so many different directions. I wonder about the time I get to spend with the little makers. Is it enough?

The point I am trying to make is that when I question this the most, is when the divine signs of the universe are the most clear. I worked a bunch of days in a row and fell behind on everything at home. I took PoopyPants to the movie, just him and I. And HannaBanana and I went for a girls afternoon out shopping. I like to take the kids out individually when I am able and give them some alone time with mom. It doesn't happen often because I'm a single mommy, but when it does I always feel a little guilty about the ones left behind. 'Family time'. So after all these special one on one activities I was feeling like I just needed us to be all together. Monday morning I woke up to quite a surprise. A silent wish granted. School was cancelled due to ice and freezing rain. It was cancelled again today. Two extra days to just be together and enjoy each other's company.

So the kids got a snow day without the cold and snow. They played outside TOGETHER...all of them without fighting. Then they came in to hot chocolate and fresh peanut butter oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. (I'm sure little noses can smell them before they're even through the door.) Now they are playing contently. I just get to sit back and listen to the sweet noise of my everyday. I am thankful for what I have been given. Life is beautiful.

The Trade Off

2009-02-03T09:04:00.000-06:00

I don't ever say my house is clean anymore. If I've spent the day hauling ass I usually say its 'cleaner'. That would be the more politically correct description. I mean its never as clean as I want it to be, or as clean as the old, type A me would have been satisfied with. I have found that since there are always children around its more of a trade off. While I clean in one room they terrorize another. And as a parent my job mostly entails distraction and damage control.

The other day I NEEDED to get my dishes done. Playdough and coloring just weren't gonna cut it at keeping the Tiny Maniac and Peeper entertained anymore. So while I did my dishes in their entirety the little ones played with an improvised rice table. I cleaned out my pantry of years old chick peas and rice that never quite cooked right, threw in some lentils for color and voila...30 minutes for mom. They had scoopers and little animals to feed and bury.

As a side note though, my entire kitchen had to be swept up. I got the dishes done but I guess it was a trade off. But everything is though. At least it wasn't marker on walls or pen on couch, right?

Today

2009-01-28T10:46:00.000-06:00

Today I want the world to stop turning. I want the clock to stop greedily ticking little pieces of my day away. No preschool. No dance. No work. Just time at home with the kids. A girl can dream can't she?

Ok, enough of that...

Back to the laundry.

Look What Mrs. Maker made.

2009-01-24T10:45:00.000-06:00

Cookies!

The best peanut butter cookies I've made yet. And the only reason I made them was out of a crazy craving for sweets. Oh, and I ate more of the dough than any adult should admit to eating. I don't have a lot of prepared stuff in the house, so when a craving strikes I have to be inventive. Not that eating cookie dough is an inventive solution, but it worked like a charm.

100 Things about Me.

2009-01-21T13:26:00.000-06:00

Not that I think anyone really wants to know 100 things about me, but other people do it on their blogs. I can just hear my mom now with the whole if your friends jumped off a bridge analogy.

1. I sat here and thought for at least a full minute about whether 1 or 100 should go first. And that takes me to #2...

2. I'd totally be Type A if I had time to be. But lets face it, when there are 5 little ones as busy mine running around, you've gotta give up on some of the things you used to view as super important or you'll go crazy trying to keep everything 'just so'.

3. The little 'clock stretching' segment on The Big Comfy Couch boggles my mind every time.

4. This list would be a lot easier if it was 100 things about the kids.

5. I had my first child at 17 years of age. The same month I received my papers for the U of M Bachelor of Nursing Program. I threw them out. Nothing was more important in that moment than being there for my child.

6. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

7. I need to take more pictures. There were books and books of pictures of Bedhead when she was little. There are less and less for each subsequent child. Trips and experiences have come and gone without proof.

8. I am a Nazi when it comes to a healthy diet for the kids. But when left on my own I am a junk food junkie. I love healthy food too, oh but that crap is soooo good.

9. My favorite flavour of Kool Aid is Ice Blue Raspberry Lemonade. The kids think that its purpose in our house is to color and scent homemade play dough.

10. I generally don't care for country music. Except Johnny Cash. I even outwardly appear bored and unimpressed when Mr. Maker used to listen to him. But inwardly I enjoy all his music. I watched almost a whole Johnny tribute concert with The Big Fat Liar and loved it. Shh.

11. I want to paint my house blue.

12. I love to bake. Cooking not as much, but I'm actually starting to enjoy it too.

13. I haven't used a dryer sheet in over a year. They are the one thing I was sure I could not part with. But the hippie in me won out, and now I don't even miss them. My clothes aren't static-y either. Go figure.

14. My dream is to be as close to self sufficient as possible, living off the grid in my own little hideaway. The weirdest part of it is it has been a dream since I was a kid. I must have been a strange child.

15. I'm a horrible singer. The little makers have been subject to me belting out Abba's Dancing Queen more than any child should ever have to.

16. I have a good job and work with great people, but contemplate quitting every week. I curse under my breath that it takes me away from studying for spelling tests and packing lunches. At home is really the only place I know for sure I want to be.

17. I have more tea pots than anyone needs. I love them and have collected a few without even realizing it. Now I'm going to purposely buy more and call it a 'collection'.

18. I love tea. I'm a 28 yr old tea granny.

19. The people I respect most in this world are my grandparents. I didn't even realize how great my grandfather was until he was gone. To have that kind of fearless ambition in life is amazing. And rare.

20. I have not seen very much of the world. Not out of fear but out of contentment. This fall I saw the ocean for the first time.

21. I could count on one hand the amount of times I have been jealous. Its something I just don't do.

22. I make my own bread. I feel guilty when I have to buy a loaf at the store.

23. This summer was the first year I had a garden. It was late and small but next summer is going to be exciting.

24. I bought my house on my own. Me...a single mom of five! Proof that determination and a goal can get you where ever you want to go.

25. I hate living in town.

26. I could never live in the city again - ever!

27. I never secretly hoped for one sex over the other when I was pregnant.

Well I think 27 things is a pretty good start.

Poor Little neglected Blog.

2009-01-21T13:05:00.000-06:00

Oh bloggy, how I've neglected you. You helped me through a really rough patch there. Being able to blog out all my thoughts was like therapy.

You may think it has been procrastination keeping me away, but I, old friend have been busy living life. I saw the ocean for the very first time. I learned that forgiveness is sweet and the ability for the heart to love is boundless. The little makers have all grown and become more of themselves. And I have found a little more of myself too. There has been so much it is hard to put into words. The hustle and bustle of everyday, beautiful life is how I'll sum it up.

That being said, I have come back to you once again, little blog. And I have decided that I will take you along on my journey of life.

This One's For You...

2008-08-21T19:52:00.000-05:00

You know who.

I haven't come up with a nickname for you just yet.

Why is it that the poeple that drive you crazy the most are the one's you can't get out of your head? At least that's the way it is for me. You totally get under my skin. I think you like it.

The Bet

2008-06-29T23:50:00.000-05:00

I am a stubborn bitch. Let's just get that out of the way.

And I always win.

The Rock and The Hard Place

2008-06-16T15:21:00.000-05:00

Right now I am in the middle. Still smiling though... Actually its not a bad place to be.

Party Time!

2008-05-25T20:11:00.000-05:00

Peeper is a whole year old! One whole year she has blessed our lives. She had a pool party this weekend. It was a lot of fun. I have no pictures to prove this however. I brought the camera, only I left the batteries in the van. And its really hard when you are the only adult to leave the kids to go and get them. Or I could have taken the kids down the four flights of hotel stairs for the 50th time that day. I'll just get grandpa to email some.

While I am on the topic of being mom and dad, I'll share an interesting observation I have made. I am in the pool with little Peeper and the Tiny Maniac is paddling around me in her little life jacket. The others are pretty much self sufficient in the water. But all within reach if need be. The pool is literally crawling with children. All in the pool with their fathers. NO MOMS. The moms were all sitting on the poolside. Chatting, reading, maybe even taking pictures ( the ones who remembered batteries anyway). Why is this? Was it like this for me when Mr. Maker and I were married? I would have missed out on so much if I was sitting reading a book.

And there is the bright side of being a single parent.

The most recent picture of myself is two years old because you can't be in the pictures when you are the one taking them. And when one kid has something on, we all go because there is only one person to drive. Sometimes a whole day will pass and I will realize I haven't even seen or spoken to another adult. There are times when I feel like I would kill for adult company. But if there was someone else to take little Peeper in the pool I may have passed it up. I may have taken that time to read the paper, a real luxury for someone as short on time as me. But I would have missed out on that experience. One that I will never have back. Her first little birthday party. Being mom and dad has forced me to be really hands on. Totally in the moment. While reading is perhaps the thing I miss the most, I'm sure I will have years to read. And chat and do adult things. But a first birthday party comes only once. The same is true of the first day of school, the first recital, the first loose tooth. I have realized I don't want to miss any of it. Not for any book in the world.

Hard Pill To Swallow

2008-05-19T18:32:00.000-05:00

So...lately I have been reflecting on things that I should not be wasting my time reflecting on. I have had a hard time with the realization that " he was just not that into me". You know the expression. It is really hard when it applies to someone you have spent over a year and a half with. Someone whom you loved with all of yourself.

There really is no other explanation for it. Anyone who is "into" the other person in a relationship will make time for them. Once I realized this, while it was painful, really set me free. It took the responsibility off me. I realized no matter what I did I couldn't make someone feel something for me that wasn't there. So what I was faced with was an impossible situation. A one sided arrangement where the party with feelings involved (me) would inevitably be hurt. Run girl! Too bad I hadn't figured it out sooner.

Lesson learned.

Now I am so done with everything my relationship with the Big Fat Liar has thrown at me. When he drove by my house today, really slowly and stalker-like I waved. Nothing inside me felt anything. I waved as I would to anyone else going by. Yay me! And that my friends, is closure.

WTF

2008-05-17T19:46:00.000-05:00

Holy crap! Over a month and no new blog entries? That is just terrible.

I will try to be a better blogger.
I will try to be a better blogger.
I will try to be a better blogger.

So much has happened in the last month that I have a wealth of new stuff to blog about. What to blog about first?

Granola Mom

2008-04-14T14:30:00.000-05:00

Have you heard this expression? It is new to me too. From what I have concluded it describes a natural living attitude toward raising children. After thinking about it I realize as the years go on I get to be more and more of one. Crunchier, if you will. It seems with the birth of every additional child I get to be a little bit more free thinking.

I remember 10 years ago when BedHead was little. I was as mainstream as it got. Even when it was just the two oldest girls, people would comment on how clean my house looked and smelled. I remember going over to a girlfriend's house and seeing her 3 kids and dog running around and thinking to myself, how can she function in this chaos? That chaos is now my everyday life and it doesn't even phase me as being unusual. I remember not even having one dirty glass in the sink and using every kind of cleaner known to man. I wouldn't want to go out there and count the number of dishes on my counter needing to be washed right now. Sad. But not really, cause I took my kids to the park instead.

That girl is a far cry from the woman I've become. These days I'm a breastfeeding, babywearing, cloth diapering, co-sleeping, bread making granola mama.

Bob Marley Makes Me Happy

2008-04-09T19:14:00.000-05:00

Why is it that listening to Bob Marley will lift your spirit every time?

http://www.deezer.com/track/23659